[chucktx]

funny!!

[hookerwrench]

Actual Air Traffic Control Transmission:

ATA: Delta 359, Please climb to 38,000 for noise abatement.
Delta 359: ATA we are already at 32,000 ft, how much noise can we be making?
ATA: Delta 359...have you ever heard the sound of two 747's colliding?
Delta 359: Roger, climbing to 38,000

How do you keep a chihuahua from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his ****. I know...that's horrible, but it really breaks the ice at parties

[hookerwrench]

A farmer is out working in his yard when he sees a traveling salesman walking up the driveway. "I don't want any." the farmer says. The salesman replies, "Sir I'm not selling anything, I offer my services for donations. I have the ability to speak to animals. I can help to make your stock happier, and everyone knows that happy stock produce better." The farmer doesn't believe a word of this and tells the man to leave again. The salesman offers him proof by asking to speak with his pigs. He strolls over the the pen and commences to snort and root in the mud. After a few minutes he returns and tells the farmer "The pigs say their mud is a lil dry, and they would like a bowling ball to root around in the mud." Well, the farmer thinks this guy is completely insane, but the salesman offers more proof. "Where are your dairy cows?" "Up in the barn." the farmer says. Off the man goes to seek council with the cows. The man returns to tell the farmer that the girls would like to sleep in a half hour at least, and they wish he would warm his hands up before he milked them.

The farmer just looks at the man with no interest at all in his services. "One more demonstration of my talent...where are your sheep?" A shocked look comes over the farmers face and he says "NO NO......the sheep are liars!!!!!!!"

[chucktx]

Female golfers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.


"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?

He replied:

>
>
>
>
>










"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[Hot01]

A Drunk staggers into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, reels to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table, one more time, and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................














"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

[Tiny86]

Love IT

[Tiny86]

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on
a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens,
he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
and why don't I have any m ilk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Slimjim]

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of
them are Hillary fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but
wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except
one boy. The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you
a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why
he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan
and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!" The teacher
asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that
make you?" So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

[chucktx]

great answer!

[Hot01]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."


You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .


And furthermore



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a " BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[chucktx]

funny stuff there, abby!!!!!

[chucktx]

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[AFNurse]

KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kellyage 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you
don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back
with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired rightup her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

[AFNurse]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.""Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll begone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a greatweekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutesto figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?""Yes, I do.""Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?""Yes," Bob said,! a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did.""And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

[chucktx]

Bingo!!!!!!:d

[ruffrider11]

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that
was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........



Ate the cookies...............



Drank the milk..............



Sh*t on the paper....................



Screwed the other three cats.....



Claimed he injured his back while doing so..................



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........



Put in for Workers Compensation..............and



Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...!!!!!!!!!!

[chucktx]

sounds just about right!!!

[chucktx]

The Sister-In-Law Temptation

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."





And the moral of this story -- Always keep your condoms in your car.

[chucktx]

A woman had been in a coma for months, and one day as the nurses were giving her a bed bath, they noticed a slight response on the monitor while washing her private area. They tried it again, and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They immediately went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed, and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined with no pulse and no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room and asked the husband "What happened?"

The husband said, "I'm not sure…maybe she choked."

[chucktx]

new stuff from harley......