[Panthera]

Dirty Johnny Jokes:

Ms. Brown starts the first day of her first grade class with a little speach.

"Now students", she begins," you are no longer in Kindergarden, you are growing up. In this class we are going to learn to talk more like adults, no more baby talk, OK?"

The class all nod their heads.

"Now I would like all of you to tell the class what you did during summer vacation, Mary, you can start."

Mary stands up and says "Over summer we went to my grandpa's farm. I helped him milk the moo-cows!"

Ms. Brown says "Very nice Mary, but when adults speak they would just say cows, not moo-cows. Now Billy, what did you do over summer?"

Billy stands and says "Over summer my family went to a railroad museum, and we saw lots of choo choo trains!"

Ms. Brown says "Very nice Billy, but when adults speak, they would just say trains, not choo choo trains. Now Johnny, what did you do over summer?"

Johnny stands and says " Over summer vacation my family went to Disney Land!"

Ms. Brown says " That is nice, Johnny, who was your favorite character?"

Johnny pauses for a moment then says "Winnie the Sh*t"



One day in her third grade class, Ms. Wilson says " Class, today we are going to work with three syllable words. A three syllable word is a word that has three distinct sounds. Syllable is a three syllable word, SIL-a-ble” she says, sounding it out.

She continues, “ Now I would like each of you to think of a three syllable word and use it in a sentence.”

Mary, one of the class kiss-ups, is the first to raise her hand. “Yes Mary” says Ms. Wilson.

“Ms. Wilson, my word is Beautiful, Ms. Wilson, I think you are beautiful.” Says Mary.

“Very good Mary” says Ms. Wilson. Johnny is thinking ‘What a kiss up’.

Billy, another class kiss-up throws his hand up. “Yes Billy” says Ms. Wilson

“Ms. Wilson, my word is Wonderful! Ms. Wilson, I think your class is wonderful!” says Billy.

“Very Nice, Billy” replies Ms. Brown.

Johnny is thinking, ‘I can kiss up just as well’, and puts his hand in the air.

“Anyone else” asks Ms. Wilson, trying to ignore Johnny, but nobody else has their hand up. Finally Ms. Wilson says “Tes, Johnny”

Johnny says “ My three syllable word is Urinate!”

Ms. Wilson asks “ Yes, Johnny, that is a three syllable word, now can you use it in a sentence?”

Johnny responds “ Ms. Wilson, Urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”

[TM103]

A blonde gets a tatoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh..... she says: if you put your ear next to it you can smell the ocean

[chucktx]

[drillsarge]

Mom and Dad asked Johnny what he wanted for his birthday.
Johnny said a watch.
So they let him.

[chucktx]

[Lucifer]

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

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Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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&nbs p;
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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[chucktx]

funny stuff..........kinda makes ya want to go.....Hmmmmmmmmmm?????

[wvak47]

Those were some good ones. I think I figured one out though.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

TAXES

[Lucifer]

Originally Posted by wvak47

Those were some good ones. I think I figured one out though.
TAXES

Good Answer!!

[FLHTbiker]

History 101


For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.


The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:


1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.


Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.


Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.


Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.


Here ends today's lesson in world history:


It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.


A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to p--- them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self

[Panthera]

Here is one I found on the net years ago:

Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans, and add an “eh” to the end of everything, eh?
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Australia: Try to encourage the Americans, Brits, and Canadians to go home.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do much of either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Prattle on about how nobody knows any of their great citizens.

[Hot01]

Silicon Valley

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are
always complaining about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.

[FLHTbiker]

Good one the wife is always saying to me "are you listening" especially when a good looking women is around.

[TM103]

Sounds like my house FLHT. That is a good one Abby

[cowboy]

sound's like any married mans house

[FLHTbiker]

Originally Posted by cowboy

sound's like any married mans house

Yep, how true

[FLHTbiker]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[FlynDutchman]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

('Chalk up one for the Blonde!' .. . It's nice to see a blonde winning one once in awhile.)

[chucktx]

good one!!!!!!

[TM103]