[WildWindwalker]

Originally Posted by chucktx

dont see a special place for em, so im gonna put some here....



>>>>Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>>>>'How
>>>>was he killed?' asked one detective.
>>
>>>>'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>>
>>>>'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'
>>
>>>>'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
>>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
>>>>wearing
>>>>the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best
>>>>of
>>>>him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'
>>>>
>>
>>>>The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by
>>>>buying
>>>>me a drink.''

Dude I laughed so hard my chest started hurting.

[WildWindwalker]

Why does a prostitute make more money than a crack dealer?
A crack dealer can only sell their crack once. A prostitute can wash their crack and sell it over and over.

[WildWindwalker]

Originally Posted by fxdxsteve

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Your killing me!!

[WildWindwalker]

Last Sunday at church when the pastor gave the invitation for prayer, little old Mrs. Williams went down to the alter. Bubba a big burly man saw her step forward, and decided to make his way down to the alter. The pastor then asked Bubba if their was anything he could pray with him for? Bubba said," Yes, my hearing".
After praying the pastor asked Bubba if he was feeling better?















Bubba said, "I don't know, my hearing is not until next Thursday".

[chucktx]

funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

[WildWindwalker]

Originally Posted by FLHTbiker

History 101


For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.


The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:


1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.


Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.


Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.


Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.


Here ends today's lesson in world history:


It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.


A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to p--- them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self

Youre right on target except for evolving, they have always been that way. But this is the joke section, and this is to real to be funny.

[Lucifer]

A MAN BOARDED A PLANE WITH A BOX OF CRABS.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Of course this irritated the flight attendant and she told the passenger not to worry.

Shortly before landing in Atlanta she announced to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them herself!

[ironhorse]

love it

[ironhorse]

couple drives down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. an earlier discussion had led to an argument that neither one of them would concede there position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcasticlly, "relatives of yours?" where he replied, "Yup In-laws."-------easyrider---

[Lucifer]

good 1

[FlynDutchman]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[fxdxsteve]

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[FLHTbiker]

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about
how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the
water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs ) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying.
It's raining cats and dogs.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more
thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.


(Getting quite an education , aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew
for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old..


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and chew the fat..


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. </ SPAN>



Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple
of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and
wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out
of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening
these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or
was considered a dead ringer..

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[usahellas]

I really have to try and remember a few of those

[chucktx]

amazing how we got some of our "sayings"..............

[FLHTbiker]

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?¢

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'


Here is another one.



A little 73 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers' club.


One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, 'I want to join your club.'

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; 'Do you have a motorcycle?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, my bike's parked over there' and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, 'Do you drink?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table.'

The biker asks, 'Do you smoke?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool.'

The biker is very impressed and asks, 'Last question, have you ever been pick ed up by the fuzz?'

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, 'Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.'

[TM103]

[Ashley]

So blonde

[usahellas]

hahahaha, Ever been picked up by the fuzz.

[FLHTbiker]

I just figured that with all that's going on in the country right now that we could all use some humor.