[usahellas]

hahahah rofl

[FLHTbiker]

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy. The 87 year o ld said, 'Well, I eat rye bread
every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with
the ladies.'</ B> So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As
he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you
have any rye bread?' She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like
some?' H e said, 'I want 5 loaves.' She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... by the
time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.' He replied, 'I can't believe it,
everybody in the world knows about this **** but me.'

[chucktx]

good one!!!! havent heard that one before.........

[98falstaff]

An old couple in thier late 90's were sitting around. The woman says "Arthur, I want a divorce." He says "What! We've been married 75 years, why now?" She replies " I just wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

[FLHTbiker]

The Parking Ticket

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in '08.'

[Tiny86]

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

[Tiny86]

An 89-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks
great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light
goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during
the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's
done poof, the light goes out? "
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[chucktx]

three great ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[FLHTbiker]

Carnation milk - 65 YEARS AGO .. This is choice!

A cute little lady from Iowa had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

[chucktx]

i have read this before, quite some time ago.....true or not.....it is a keeper!!!!!!!!!!!

[FLHTbiker]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

' 1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'



The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'

[AFNurse]

Oh yea!!! LOVE THAT ONE!!!!

[TM103]

Love that military time!

[FLHTbiker]

Wally's Wedding Night


At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents .

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again . . . .

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?'

[mtlakehog]

FLHTbiker, Now that's funny!!!

[chucktx]

yes it is!!!

[AFNurse]

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday, one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'


And so it does...






' A f r i c a n Elephant '


Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?



Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

[chucktx]

[TM103]

:d :d

[FLHTbiker]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants.

No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.