[Hot01]

You're the best!

And don't forget to pick up
something for my mother too.

I'm a good girlfriend. Even after I left my fiance, I picked up a Mother's Day present for his mom. Of course I'm still sneaking around hanging out with his sisters since I left too, but nobody's told him that yet.

[fxdxsteve]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines/ He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[fxdxsteve]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[fxdxsteve]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[ruffrider11]

According to a news report, a certain private charter school in San
Antonio was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints.

Every night the maintenance man, an old retired Army Master Sergeant,
would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, who also was a former Army Chief Warrant Officer,
decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the
bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that
all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the old sergeant
who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult
it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show
the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[fxdxsteve]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[FlynDutchman]

Four nuns are driving around town in their Buick roadmaster when they get T-boned by a semi. All 4 die & go to heaven. Up in heaven they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates & St. Peter says to the nuns: "Sisters, you've all been real good nuns, taken care of orphans, the sick & the elderly, but before I can let you into the kingdom of heaven I need to know if you have committed any sins. The first nun steps up & says, "yes I have, Ive seen a mans privates." St Peter says, "no problem, just come in & wash your eyes with the holy water. She washes her eyes & walks past the gate. The second nun walks up & says "St Peter, I've touched a mans privates." St Peter says "No problem, just wash your hands with the holy water & come on in. She washes her hands & strolls on in. Before the third nun can open her mouth the fourth nun runs up to the holy water, shoves her head in & starts to gargle with it. St Peter is flabberghasted & says to the 4th nun, "Sister, what is the meaning of this ?" To which the 4th nun replies: "I had to get in there & wash my mouth out before she stuck her butt in there!"

I cleaned ut up a bit but that is my absolute favorite joke....my appologies to the catholics out there, I didnt make the joke, Im just passin it along.

[fxdxsteve]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"

[fxdxsteve]

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$121,237.65".
The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

[Goose]

Q--Why are women such a poor judge of distance?

A--Because for their whole lifes, they've been told 6" equals a foot.

BTW, a "Hole in Juan?" Oh, lord...

[fxdxsteve]

An Elderly Couple Attending Church Services.

About halfway through she leans over and says, I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"


He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[chucktx]

:d :d

[fxdxsteve]

pardon my ignorance what does :d :d mean?

[AFNurse]

Originally Posted by fxdxsteve

pardon my ignorance what does :d :d mean?

I am not fully sure (sure that chuck can verify...) but I think in some programs if you do that, you get the smily face, but has a tongue hanging out or doing a rasberry or something like that. My guess is that he meant to use a p instead of a d.....

[chucktx]

actually, i hit the smiley with a smile over on the right side of the post....and that is what came up.....has done it a couple of times.....dunno what is wrong withit.....guess i will ask ken.........

[kenfuzed]

Originally Posted by fxdxsteve

pardon my ignorance what does :d :d mean?

Its actually supposed to be but when used alone without any other text the software changes the capital "D" to a lowercase "d". No joke

[kenfuzed]

Here are a few t-shirts I found funny, thought they might be appreciated here.

[kenfuzed]

A pirate walked into a bar. For some reason, a steering wheel was sticking out of the fly of his pants. The bartender said, "Sorry to bother you, but I have to ask, what's the deal with the steering wheel?" The pirate sighed and said, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts."

----------------------------

How do you give a redneck a vasectomy?

Kick his sister in the mouth.

(My 15 year-old told me that the other day )

----------------------------

[AFNurse]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -


What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

[fxdxsteve]

An old couple are getting ready for bed when the old lady decides she's going to spice things up. She jumps out of the bathroom, throws her robe open, and shouts "Super Pu$$y!" The old man looks up and says "I'll have the soup."


Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"