[fxdxsteve]

What is black and tan and would look fabulous on Michael Vick?

A pack of Dobermans.




One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide
who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and o ver he dove in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could to was break rocks all day, "commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it OJ saw Bill Clinton
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in
shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, man, I can handle
this."

The devil smiled and said....
. .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go

[voodoochild]

OH!

[Hot01]

I thought that was hilarious! I was worried it was going to be a pro OJ joke. That was the best one yet, although I really liked the stupid pirate joke too.

[chucktx]

good one!!!!!!

[fxdxsteve]

I liked the vick one better oh well



One day God called the Pope, and he said

"John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".

The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked

"What's the bad news?". .



God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.

[kenfuzed]

Originally Posted by Hot01

I thought that was hilarious! I was worried it was going to be a pro OJ joke. That was the best one yet, although I really liked the stupid pirate joke too.

"Arrrr, it's driving me nuts."
I could probably do a whole thread just on pirate jokes

[kenfuzed]

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing that paper towel?"

"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

[Hot01]

I'm easily amused.

[Hot01]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?

Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

[chucktx]

lmao.

[chucktx]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with

> her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
> entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and
> welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
> The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they
> ain't." "The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would

> you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither

> blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
> believe you got laid twice." "Have a good day and thank you for
> shopping at Wal-Mart."

[chucktx]

A Tough Old Cowboy Counseled His Grandson That If He Wanted To Live A
> Long
> Life,the Secret Was To Sprinkle A Pinch Of Gun Powder On His Oatmeal
> Every
> Morning.
>
> The Grandson Did This Religiously To The Age Of 103.
>
> When He Died, He Left 14 Children, 30 Grandchildren, 45
> Great-grandchildren,
> 25 Great Great Grandchildren And A 15 Foot Hole Where The Crematorium Used
> To Be.......

[fxdxsteve]

After a major dog fight in the skies over the pacific, the smoke clears and 3 men find themselves standed on a very small remote island. The 3 men were an American, an Englishman, and a Japanese man. The American decided to take charge. If we are going to survive he said, we need to put our differences aside and work together. I'll work on building us a shelter. He looked at the Englishman, you work on bulding a signal fire. He then looks at the Japanese man, your people are known for being resourceful you can work on supplies. The day goes by and it's getting dark. The American finished the shelter and the Englishman finished the signal fire but there was no sign of the Japanese man. The 2 men decide to look for him in case something happened. As the are walking through the jungle, the Japanese man suddenly jumps from a tree buck-naked with peacock feathers strapped to his butt and yells......SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!!

[fxdxsteve]

A little old lady is starved for companionship, so she buys a couple of monkeys. The years go by and she becomes very attached to them.

As happens, both monkeys die one day. Not wanting to part with them, she takes the dead monkeys to a taxidermist. The taxidermist asked her, “Would you like them mounted?”

The old woman replied, “No, just holding hands



A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really does not bother me too much. They never smell and they are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting, because they don’t smell and they are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you the hell you gave me, but now my farts, though still silent, really stink terribly!"
The doctor replies "Good!!" Now that we have cleared up you sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…"

[fxdxsteve]

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

[AFNurse]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
lives



Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts.

And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add
some sprinkles."

And they gained 10 pounds.

And Satan smiled.



And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.



So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons, and garlic toast on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.



God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables, and olive oil
in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.

And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.



God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."



God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to
toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and
gained pounds.



Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them.

And Man gained pounds.



God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then said, "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.



God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.



Then Satan created HMOs.

[chucktx]

funny!!!

[fxdxsteve]

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said.. "Your finger is broken."

[fxdxsteve]

Butt measurement.....

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to
Where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"

[fxdxsteve]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."