[Texas Road Glide]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar
in Bandera, Texas, staked out, the officer noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could
barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car which
he fell into. -- -- He sat there for a few minutes as
a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- --
flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights. -- He moved
the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little
and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the
other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty,
he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive
slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm
the designated decoy."

[Texas Road Glide]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
MichiganDepartment of Environmental Quality. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


(State's letter)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W,
Sec. 20;
Montcalm
County

Dear Mr.
DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on
the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of
activity. A review of the Department's files show that no
permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding atdownstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherentlyhazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore thestream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,2005. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L.
Price,

Department of
Environmental Quality
Montcalm
County,
Michigan

--------------------------------------------------------

This is the actual response sent back:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W,
Sec. 20;
Montcalm
County.



Dear Mr.
Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond in
regarding to the above mentioned file.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,Pierson, Michigan.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process ofconstructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outletstream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, norsupervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended thatyou call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers...or(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
The Freedom of
information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes an Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.I have
several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviouslydid not pay any attention to your dam letter...they being unable to readEnglish. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is
blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than
I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection Lives up to its
name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a realenvironmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe youshould be persecuting the defecating bears and leave
the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank
You,

Ryan
DeVries
& The
Dam
Beavers

[Hot01]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,


"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

[chucktx]

very good one abby......im savin that one!!!

[chucktx]

. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

[chucktx]

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

[SkyKing]

A lawyer on a motorcycle runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. ? He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop", Says the deputy . "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. ?License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please get off of your motorcycle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving **** out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[voodoochild]

If that were only true SkyKing....

[fittykick]

A man leaves church a little early and finds two alter boys standing with the dicks in the snowbank. Shocked, the man asks them what they are doing. They said " Father said he likes a couple of cold ones after work"


Why did god give the blond batton twirler one more brain cell than the horse?

So she wouldn't s**t during the parade!

[ruffrider11]

Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
Really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
Being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
Ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
Your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're Next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,
Since both ultimately result in death.

[voodoochild]

That's great Ruff, my wife thought that was good too!

BTW, I have guts......no balls

[fxdxsteve]

A black guy and a Puerto Rican are riding in a car. Who's driving?
. .
the police.


At the retirement home the elderly gentleman had himself a girl friend. Each afternoon following lunch he would go sit in the shade on the patio.
His girlfriend would wheel her chair up next to him and she would slip her hand under the blanket on his lap, taking hold of his manhood. At her age she figured just sitting and holding him for a while would be all either of them was up for. This went on every afternoon for some time and they were quite happy together.
One day after lunch she arrived on the patio to find him with a new lady sitting next to him, with HER hand under his blanket. Furious, she stormed (wheeled) off.
That night at dinner she couldn't stand it any longer. She went over to him and asked him what the big idea was.
"I thought we were happy together. What did you think you were doing? What has she got that I don't have anyway?"
He replied, "Well, for one thing she has Parkinson's".

[Hot01]

Sick.

[voodoochild]

yeah Hot01, but funny sick!

[fxdxsteve]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who
was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds,"
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[fxdxsteve]

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

President Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.

President Clinton: Why’s that?

Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: You’re a day late.

[fxdxsteve]

The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game."

"Why do we need three ?" asked the girl. "They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied.

[chucktx]

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:


30% of respondents answered: 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

70% of respondents answered: 'No es una problema serio.'

[fxdxsteve]

Marriage in Heaven
>
>On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in
a

>fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly
>Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting

>they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
>
>When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
heaven.
>St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked.
>Let me go find out," and he left.
>
>The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
>
>While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
>allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
>the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck
in

>Heaven together forever?"
>
>Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
>bedraggled.
>
>"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
>
>"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
>don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
>
>St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
>
>"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
>
>"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
>priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a
>lawyer???"

[fxdxsteve]

a biker picks up a hot blonde in a bar and takes her home. they start getting undressed she says my old man gives me 8 inches and makes me bleed so he gave her 4 inches twice and punched her in the nose