Apologies in advance!

If your offended please don't read:

CAUTION: VERY un-PC-humor!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night, and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor; she had only $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my rear end, Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by two points: One question was "Where do most women have curly hair?" Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."

The other one that I missed was, "Name something commonly found in cells." It appears that "Mexicans" is not the correct answer either.

A Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of their new bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He replied, "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew 4,000 Muslims had added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the clerk at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross had just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

No offends on this end , Lmfao