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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

  1. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    dont see a special place for em, so im gonna put some here....

    >>>>Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
    >>>>values.
    >>>>Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
    >>>>Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?'
    >>>>
    >>
    >>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my
    >>>>intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well son, you must have
    >>>>got it
    >>>>from your mother, cause I still have mine'
    >>
    >>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
    >>>>Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's
    >>>>very
    >>>>fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to
    >>>>send her a few bucks myself,'
    >>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't
    >>>>like
    >>>>the looks of your wife at all.'
    >>>>
    >>>>'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
    >>>>good
    >>>>with the kids.'
    >>>>
    >>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>
    >>
    >>>>An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
    >>>>been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
    >>>>will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
    >>>>you.
    >>>>
    >>
    >>>>The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
    >>
    >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >>>>Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
    >>>>1. All the DNA is the same.
    >>>>2. There are no dental records.
    >>
    >>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >>>>A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
    >>>>take
    >>>>to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a
    >>>>minute...' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
    >>>>
    >>
    >>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    >>>>'How
    >>>>was he killed?' asked one detective.
    >>
    >>>>'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    >>
    >>>>'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'
    >>
    >>>>'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>>>This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
    >>>>wearing
    >>>>the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best
    >>>>of
    >>>>him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'
    >>>>
    >>
    >>>>The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by
    >>>>buying
    >>>>me a drink.'
    >>
    >>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
    >>
    >>>>Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah.
    >>>>Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
  2. voodoochild

    voodoochild New Member

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    :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
  3. drillsarge

    drillsarge Active Member

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    :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: the last one was the best one
  4. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    The Miracle of Toilet Paper
    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
    husband that my breasts are too small.
    Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he
    uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your
    breasts
    to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
    your breasts for a few seconds."
    Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in
    front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
    take?" I ask.
    "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
    I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
    breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
    Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
    again.
    Stupid, stupid man.
  5. stevenh

    stevenh New Member

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    :roflmao: That one is dangerous
  6. drillsarge

    drillsarge Active Member

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    An old couple was grabbin on to a fence and going at it like wildcats. After about 40 minutes, they finally let go and fell down. The old lady says to the old man, " You didn't make love to me like that 40 years ago." The old man says, " 40 years ago that fence wasn't electric either.":D
  7. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    lmao!!!!!!!
  8. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

    The cop asked, "What's he like?"

    The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."


    "yup, that was my boy!!!!!!! lol lol"
  9. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    No Sex since 1955


    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
    hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
    extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
    approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
    man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
    "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
    "You know, you should lighten up a little.
    Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
    this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
    everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

    She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
    proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
    and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
    matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
  10. drillsarge

    drillsarge Active Member

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    thats a sergeant major right there:roflmao:
  11. maxpower_hd

    maxpower_hd Active Member

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    These were on the radio this morning:

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?.................Juan on Juan.


    How are a spouse and a Slinky alike?.........................Neither one is worth much but they're fun to push down the stairs.
  12. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn’t used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.

    "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

    "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "But a man is sitting on the well."
  13. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    oh if only it were true!!!!!!!!!:roflmao:
  14. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    Old is when

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
    love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new
    alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
    pacemaker opens the garage door.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
    your face.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
    long as you don't have to go along.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the
    doctor instead of by the police.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
    take any fiber today.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
    parking lot.

    "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
  15. Slimjim

    Slimjim Active Member

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    Georgia
    You've started something now, Chuck:roflmao: .

    Dog For Sale

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee
    and he sees a sign in front of a broken down
    shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He rings
    the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog
    is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
    Labrador retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
    talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I
    could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
    the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all
    they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
    in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
    figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
    their most valuable spies for eight years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I
    knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to
    settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to
    do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
    characters and listening in."

    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded
    a batch of medals.

    I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
    retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
    what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says.

    "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are
    you selling him so cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that $hit.
  16. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

    "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

    As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you
    make a sound like a frog?"

    "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a
    frog."

    The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like
    a frog?"

    Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to
    make a sound like a frog?"

    And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you
    croak, we're going to Florida!"
  17. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they
    proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate's peg
    leg, eye patch and hook.

    "So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that
    leg?"

    "Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me
    overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and
    I've had this peg leg ever since."

    "Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?"

    "We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy
    dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this hook ever
    since."

    "Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"

    "Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me eye."

    "A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

    "Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first day
    with the new hook."
  18. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    An old lady screams into the phone "help, help, there are 2 naked bikers climbing up to my 2nd story window and they say they are going to rape me!"

    "Please hold mam, you need the police, this is the fire department!"

    "No, No, it is you I want, they need a longer ladder!"
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2007
  19. Sportster4Me

    Sportster4Me New Member

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    Location:
    The Natural State
    Redneck calls his lawyer to ask a few questions..
    Redneck:"Is it true pepole who smoke are sueing the tobbaco companys and getting money beacuse they now have cancer ? "
    Lawyer:" Yes this is true"
    Redneck: Well Is it true that pepole are sueing fast food companys and getting money beacuse now they're over-weight ? "
    Lawyer: " Again this is true,but why all the questions ? "
    Redneck: Well do you think I could sue Budwesier for all the ugly women I've slept with ? "
    Lawyer: Hangs up
  20. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    Broke-back Bar

    A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a *** bar.

    But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

    When the *** waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name
    of your wee-wee?"

    The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a
    drink."

    The *** waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
    the name of your wee-wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
    slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his,
    Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

    The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him
    a second to think it over.

    So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
    beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

    The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy
    asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'
    and keeps on tickin!"

    A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
    to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
    yours?"

    The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
    is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

    The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and
    gives a wink.

    Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
    with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my wee-wee is 'SECRET.' Now give
    me a dang beer."

    The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
    asked,"Why Secret?"

    The cowboysays:

    "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!"

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