Jokes

dont see a special place for em, so im gonna put some here....

>>>>Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
>>>>values.
>>>>Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
>>>>Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?'
>>>>
>>
>>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did all of my
>>>>intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well son, you must have
>>>>got it
>>>>from your mother, cause I still have mine'
>>
>>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
>>>>Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's
>>>>very
>>>>fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to
>>>>send her a few bucks myself,'
>>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't
>>>>like
>>>>the looks of your wife at all.'
>>>>
>>>>'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
>>>>good
>>>>with the kids.'
>>>>
>>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>
>>
>>>>An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
>>>>been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
>>>>will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
>>>>you.
>>>>
>>
>>>>The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
>>
>>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>>>Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
>>>>1. All the DNA is the same.
>>>>2. There are no dental records.
>>
>>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>>>A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
>>>>take
>>>>to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a
>>>>minute...' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
>>>>
>>
>>>>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>>>>'How
>>>>was he killed?' asked one detective.
>>
>>>>'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>>
>>>>'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'
>>
>>>>'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
>>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>>This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
>>>>wearing
>>>>the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best
>>>>of
>>>>him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'
>>>>
>>
>>>>The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by
>>>>buying
>>>>me a drink.'
>>
>>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>>>Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah.
>>>>Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your
breasts
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
again.
Stupid, stupid man.

lmao!!!!!!!

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."


"yup, that was my boy!!!!!!! lol lol"

No Sex since 1955


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

oh if only it were true!!!!!!!!!:roflmao:

Broke-back Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a *** bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the *** waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name
of your wee-wee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a
drink."

The *** waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your wee-wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his,
Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him
a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a
beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'
and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and
gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up
with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my wee-wee is 'SECRET.' Now give
me a dang beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked,"Why Secret?"

The cowboysays:

"Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!"