Jokes

Disturbing things to think about - D

Actual Air Traffic Control Transmission:

ATA: Delta 359, Please climb to 38,000 for noise abatement.
Delta 359: ATA we are already at 32,000 ft, how much noise can we be making?
ATA: Delta 359...have you ever heard the sound of two 747's colliding?
Delta 359: Roger, climbing to 38,000

How do you keep a chihuahua from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his ****. I know...that's horrible, but it really breaks the ice at parties

A farmer is out working in his yard when he sees a traveling salesman walking up the driveway. "I don't want any." the farmer says. The salesman replies, "Sir I'm not selling anything, I offer my services for donations. I have the ability to speak to animals. I can help to make your stock happier, and everyone knows that happy stock produce better." The farmer doesn't believe a word of this and tells the man to leave again. The salesman offers him proof by asking to speak with his pigs. He strolls over the the pen and commences to snort and root in the mud. After a few minutes he returns and tells the farmer "The pigs say their mud is a lil dry, and they would like a bowling ball to root around in the mud." Well, the farmer thinks this guy is completely insane, but the salesman offers more proof. "Where are your dairy cows?" "Up in the barn." the farmer says. Off the man goes to seek council with the cows. The man returns to tell the farmer that the girls would like to sleep in a half hour at least, and they wish he would warm his hands up before he milked them.

The farmer just looks at the man with no interest at all in his services. "One more demonstration of my talent...where are your sheep?" A shocked look comes over the farmers face and he says "NO NO......the sheep are liars!!!!!!!"

A Drunk staggers into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, reels to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table, one more time, and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................














"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

Love IT:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Don't Mess With Farm Kids

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on
a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens,
he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
and why don't I have any m ilk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?":roflmao:

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of
them are Hillary fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but
wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except
one boy. The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you
a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why
he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan
and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!" The teacher
asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that
make you?" So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

While we're on the subject of liberals

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."


You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .


And furthermore



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a " BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."


6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."


5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Smart Cats

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that
was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

'Coffee Break.....do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........



Ate the cookies...............



Drank the milk..............



Sh*t on the paper....................



Screwed the other three cats.....



Claimed he injured his back while doing so..................



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........



Put in for Workers Compensation..............and



Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...!!!!!!!!!!