Jokes

Hillary's Indian Name

Hillary's Injun Name

True story, Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ....

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES," for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".


At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name



Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.

Funny!!

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

John was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
TelephoneService
Civil Service
City, County Public Service
Customer Service
ServiceStations
Service Department
Overnight Service
Secret Service
Cable Service
Service Center

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

what is this

very common in the bedroom.......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f**ked?" The fellow said "No." She said "You will be when the tide comes in .

that is funny abby......a hint on the deer pickle......put your cursor over it and read the label!

ne hot, sunny afternoon a gent is lying back on a sun lounger, sipping a cool beer, while his wife struggles to mow the lawn with a clapped-out old lawnmower.
One of their neighbors, hanging out her washing, notices this and decides to comment.
"Look at the state of you!" she yells at the husband. "Sitting there, relaxing, getting drunk while your poor wife struggles to mow your lawn! You should be bloody well hung!"
"I am," he replies, "that's why she's mowing the lawn."


A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"No, I never found her head."


A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance.
"Yes" he said. "I'd like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"
The woman said, "That sounds really good and I'd like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.


The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Dayum! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story........

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get
the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree!



abby, did ya get the deer/pickle joke???