Jokes

The Red Dot



FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but
the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has
won a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States.



If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
and giving technical advice for Dell Computers.

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

A Doctor in Texas

A Doctor in wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. Bubba, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Bubba,

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Bubba, How was your day?'

Bubba told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Atta Boy, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had a burning stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir' says Bubba

Atta Boy You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks The doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'And what did you do Bubba?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.': roflmao: :roflmao:

House Call

One evening a man was at home watching TV & eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to
dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's'
date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit
down, then he proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?" What do you think he's going to
be when he grows older?'


The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our Son-In-law." :cussing: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and
sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he
goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy
behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:


The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully

wash their genital regions You then apply shaving foam and gently

shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're

ready

for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000,

but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620

miles fom here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"




"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Too true to be too funny

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing,! food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I from Puerto Rico."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

probably already here

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.

She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.

When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplugged it.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for
the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: