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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

Page 14 of 61
  1. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    Dear Abby:> > My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
    > beginning,> and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
    > everyone> knows> that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost
    > his job six> years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day
    > is> smoke> cigars, cruise around and bs's with his buddies while I have to work
    > to> pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even>
    > pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?> >
    > Signed: Clueless> > > > > > Dear Clueless:> > Grow up and dump him. Good grief,
    > woman. You don't need him anymore! You're> a United States Senator from New York
    > running for President of the United> States . Act like one
    FLHTbiker, Jan 31, 2008
    #261
  3. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    This must be where the term scardy cat comes from
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2011
    FLHTbiker, Jan 31, 2008
    #262
  4. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    Have a good ride :D
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2011
    FLHTbiker, Jan 31, 2008
    #263
  5. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    funny stuff!!!!!!!!!!!
    chucktx, Jan 31, 2008
    #264
  6. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    Now that clown has some balls :roflmao:
    cowboy, Feb 1, 2008
    #265
  7. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    FLHTbiker, Feb 1, 2008
    #266
  8. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    fun game!!
    chucktx, Feb 1, 2008
    #267
  9. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    Proof Positive...Dental Record Match



    Ah, yes, there IS a resemblance - on BOTH ends!!! And then there's that laugh....
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2011
    FLHTbiker, Feb 2, 2008
    #268
  10. Slimjim

    Slimjim Active Member

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    Now that's funny!!!!....and true.:roflmao:
    Slimjim, Feb 3, 2008
    #269
  11. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending, trying to gather more support for her nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and using single syllable words.
    As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all having' some problem with them circle flies?"
    She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
    "Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
    "Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling.
    But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
    "No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."
    "That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.
    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
    FLHTbiker, Feb 4, 2008
    #270
  12. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    Location:
    san leandro ca
    A man from Massachusetts was hiking through the mountains in
    northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen
    in his life.
    Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he
    asked.
    "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
    "Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
    "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the kid.
    "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the man.
    "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
    "But," protested the Massachuetts man, "are you never together as a
    family?
    "Sure, but not here," said the kid thru the door.
    "This is the Outhouse."
    fxdxsteve, Feb 5, 2008
    #271
  13. fxdxsteve

    fxdxsteve Active Member

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    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
    himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..

    After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

    "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
    fxdxsteve, Feb 5, 2008
    #272
  14. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    :D :roflmao:
    chucktx, Feb 5, 2008
    #273
  15. bikerputz

    bikerputz New Member

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    Management Lesson

    Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
    girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
    One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you
    $100 if you let me have sex with you...
    The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
    Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
    bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
    She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
    boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.
    Her boyfriend say's, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.
    He won't even be able to get his pants down."

    She agreed and accepts the proposal.

    Over a half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
    girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
    asks, "What happened...?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
    "The bastard had all quarters!"



    Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
    entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
    bikerputz, Feb 6, 2008
    #274
  16. Tiny86

    Tiny86 New Member

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    Wichita Falls TX
    Democrat Republican or REDNECK

    Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide.

    The answer can be found by posing the following question:

    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

    Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

    You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
    ..............................................................
    THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN

    Democrat's Answer:


    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
    Does the man look poor or oppressed?
    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
    Could we run away?
    What does my wife think?
    What about the kids?
    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
    What does the law say about this situation?
    Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
    Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
    Should I call 9-1-1?
    Why is this street so deserted?



    Republican's Answer:
    BANG!




    Redneck' s Answer:
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG! Click
    Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
    Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'
    Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
    Tiny86, Feb 6, 2008
    #275
  17. fireitup

    fireitup New Member

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    toilet paper joke

    Thats a funny thing about that joke Chuck cause I heard the almost exact same one the other day. Only it was about this guy who was upset about his penis size so his wife told him to rub his balls with toilet paper. Assuring him great lenth would appear. When he expressed his doubt she reminded him what the toilet paper did for his mouth. :D :D
    fireitup, Feb 6, 2008
    #276
  18. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    hehehehehe:)
    chucktx, Feb 6, 2008
    #277
  19. Panheadfryer

    Panheadfryer New Member

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    Too funny.
    Panheadfryer, Feb 9, 2008
    #278
  20. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She added that she did not know exactly what it was, but the piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there.” If you're not sure what a 710 is
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2011
    FLHTbiker, Feb 10, 2008
    #279
  21. voodoochild

    voodoochild New Member

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    :eek: :eek:

    And somebody let her drive away????
    voodoochild, Feb 12, 2008
    #280
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