Jokes

Blonde Golfer

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blond smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME !!!!!

:roflmao: thats a scary thought :roflmao:

did that come from the same website as the border crossing game?

now why didn't I think of that

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Three nuns died at the same
time, and were standing at the pearly gates together. St. Peter thought, of course, these nuns will be accepted into heaven, but to make it entertaining, he decided each one would have to answer a question first. To the first nun, St. Peter asked, "Who was the first man?" "Oh that's easy!" said the nun, "Was Adam." "Toot too too tooooo," the trumpets blared, the gates opened, and the first nun entered. To the second nun St. Peter asked, "Who was the first woman?" "Oh that's easy... was Eve!" "Toot too too tooooo" the trumpets blared as the gates opened again. St. Peter realized this was way too easy, and thought for a more difficult question. Finally he asked the third nun, "What were Eve's first words?" The third nun thought and thought as she rubbed her chin, and finally said, "Ohhhh, that's a hard one." "Toot too too tooooo...

Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.


He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."

Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

friend of mine was going through california yesterday, and called me to tell me about a bumper sticker. it read, "I'm voting for monica lewinskis ex-boyfriends wife " not incourageing but funny

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and
While there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up
And with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
A customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
Walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
She looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
That she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke
into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove
her hands from her head when they finally got in, they found that Linda
had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit
canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded
like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone
noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm
certain that's irrelevant

Goin Fishin

A woman was shopping at her local tackle store
where ; she selected:

A new Penn reel, A spool of Tri Suffix, A pack of 8/0 circle hooks,
A snap swivel assortment pack,
A 12 pack of BUD Lite
A 1 lb. package of bratwurst.

As she was unloading her items on the counter to check out,
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but ; she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the counter and saw
nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped
off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her,
she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'cause you're ugly."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could rel ieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!