Jokes

I can relate

Class Reunion

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, “Surely I can't look that old”?

My name Is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," He gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'


You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place. Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'


All the men sighed with relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.


A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is........ "Sternum." :gah:

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it
for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

:roflmao: holy shaving cream:roflmao: (censorship):roflmao:

Irish Joke

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years: Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Politically Correct L A Times

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the


cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back
letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents,
who thank him endlessly.


An LA Times reporter has seen the whole scene and, addressing the biker,
says


"Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my
whole life."


"Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."


"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist you know,
and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you
ride?"


"A Harley Davidson."


The journalist leaves.


The following morning, the biker buys the paper to see if indeed, it brings
news of his actions and reads, on first page:



BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

North and South

Three Southerners and three Yankees

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees
were in a ticket
counter line at a train station. The three
Northerners each bought a ticket
And watched as the three Southerners bought just
one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on
only one ticket?' asked one of
the Yankees.

'Watch and learn,' answered one of the boys from
the South.

All six boarded the train where the three
Yankees sat down, but the three
Southerners crammed into a toilet together and
closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
came around to collect
tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket,
please' Th e door opened
just a crack and a single arm emerged with a
ticket in hand. The conductor took
it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was
quite a clever idea. Indeed,
so clever they decided to do the same thing on
the return trip and save some
money.

That afternoon when they got back to the
station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip and watched, while to
their astonishment, the three
Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?'
asked one of the perplexed
Yankees.

'Watch and learn,' answered the three Southern
boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three
Northerners crammed themselves into a
toilet and the three Southerners crammed into
another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of
the Southerners left their toilet and
walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees
were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said,
'Ticket, please'

There's just no way on God's green earth to
explain how the Yankees won the
war.

Sounds 'bout right. I don't disagree with any of it.

Cajun Pastors

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the
local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was
the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, that read:

*'Da End is Near! Turn You self
Around Now!
Before It's Too
Late!'*

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out
his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and
a big splash... Bordeaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,
'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say

'Bridge Out'?'

OH Geez :roflmao:

Favorite Blonde Joke

Blonde gal I know told me this one - "52 days"

2 blonde gals go be-bopping into a bar & the bartender can see they're excited about something - doing "high-five's" & hollering "52 days!!" They sit in a booth for 4 & ask the bartender for a bottle of champagne & 4 glasses - 2 more gals on the way. Just as he's setting them up, here come 2 more blondes all excited saying "52 days" & one is carrying what appears to be a framed picture, but the bartender can't tell what it's of.

Bartender keeps tabs on the gals & when the bottle is near empty, he asks would they like another? Yes they would, so he takes another over. As he's pouring, he says, "I couldn't help noticing that you gals are celebrating some big event - none of my business, but I am curious." The gal with the picture holds it up & the bartender can see it's a puzzle of the "Cookie Monster" put together & then framed. He says, "That's nice, but what's the deal about '52 days'?"

The gals all laugh & one says, "Well, this proves that we blondes aren't so dumb after all - the box the puzzle came in said '3 to 4 years' - but we put it together in only 52 days!!!" :roflmao: