Jokes

had to share this one

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
unable to see an ything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of
the kid on the bike.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the
gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want in Heaven.

"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said,"I want to hang out with
God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he
said, "Excuse me, but
aren't You the inventor
of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major
design flaws in your
invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble
too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "Hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed
in a few words and waited
for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it "Well, it may be
true that my invention
is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers>>>>>>>>

more men are riding my invention than yours

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife - their biggest fear being that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude. Maude ... "
"Is that you, Fred?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, Fred?" Maude asked.
Fred said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, and then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner, I have sex until late at night ... and the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Fred," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," Fred said, "I'm a rabbit somewhere in Idaho."

Be a Patriot

Rember its just a joke







MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! :devil:

Q. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A. We really do taste like chicken!

Hing Chow calls into work and says "Hey I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomache ache and leg hurts. The boss says "I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and we have sex, that makes me feel much better then I go to work. You try that OK. 2 Hrs later Hing Chow calls again and says "I do what you say and I feel great, I be in soon ...You got nice house.

Joke Hell, that sounds like a GREAT idea to me........ Wait a minute, can we show our support by setting in another neighborhood. I seen some of the women in my neighborhood (clothed) and they don't make enough beer for me to want to see that without clothes.

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road

Why did the chicken cross the road ?


BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! This chicken, like so many chickens in America want CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the other
chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves, to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here, is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because she's GUILTY! You can see it in her
eyes and the way she walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American Chickens.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market, to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insiderinformation.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens, in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@$^*~(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT CHICKEN, as it crossed the road.
What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? Why aren't they Black?
We need more black chickens.

Most Powerful Liquid in the World

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.


A little while later a Catholic Priest came along and asked the Little Johnny what he had.


Little Johnny replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."


The Priest said, "No, my son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."



Little Johnny replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass ...... he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

ROTFLMAO:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Qantas Maintenance Reports

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I heard this one today so ok, here goes...

This old gruff biker walks into a bar after a long hard ride & sees this incredibly hot babe behind the bar...Long blonde hair, big juggs, pouty lips...you get the idea...So the biker pulls up to the bar & notices a sign behind her....It reads:

Hamburgers: $3.50
Cheeseburgers: $4.50
Handjobs: $100

So the biker looks at the sign....digs out his wallet & starts counting his cash....He looks back at the bartender babe & asks: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs ?" she replies with a soft, sexy voice: "why yes I am". He says: "good, wash your hands cause I want a cheeseburger!"

:roflmao: