Jokes

funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about
how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the
water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs ) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying.
It's raining cats and dogs.


The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more
thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.


(Getting quite an education , aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew
for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old..


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and chew the fat..


Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. </ SPAN>



Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.


Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple
of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and
wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out
of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening
these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or
was considered a dead ringer..

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

amazing how we got some of our "sayings"..............

Blind Man In A Biker Bar

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?¢

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'


Here is another one.



A little 73 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers' club.


One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, 'I want to join your club.'

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; 'Do you have a motorcycle?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, my bike's parked over there' and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, 'Do you drink?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table.'

The biker asks, 'Do you smoke?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool.'

The biker is very impressed and asks, 'Last question, have you ever been pick ed up by the fuzz?'

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, 'Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.'

I just figured that with all that's going on in the country right now that we could all use some humor.