Jokes

humor is ALWAYS good!! THANKS for the laughs

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

Hahahahaha oh man now that is rough. :roflmao:

And the Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

ROFLMAO, I think he was grumpy! :roflmao:

That's putting both Boots in your mouth!:roflmao: :roflmao:

A guy is in the doctor's office and the doctor tells him, "Sir, we need to run some tests. I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample." The guy says, "I'm in a hurry doc, can I just leave my underwear?"

OOOOOO YUCK :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little old lady to yell "Bingo!"


What did Adam say to Eve?
"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing's gonna get!"

:roflmao: :roflmao:

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor and asks him for a half of a dose of Viagra. The doctor says "Sir, to have sex you really need to take a full dosage of one pill." The man replies, " Doc, I don't want to have sex, I just want to keep from p*ssing on my shoes."


Another guy does to the doctor and tells him, "Doc, I have a real problem. Everything I eat comes out looking the same as it went in. I eat a slice of pizza, it comes out looking like a slice of pizza. I eat a sandwich, it comes out looking like a sandwich. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Eat sh*t!"



Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Oh yeah.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman won't accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Why did Barbie divorce Ken?
He came in a different box.

Why does a bride smile when she walks down the isle?
Thank God, no more bl*wjobs!



Don't drink and drive....Don't even putt.



The man yelled "Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms!" Hell, I thought he was making a delivery!

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Headlines....


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one was caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Brid ges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!




Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?