Jokes

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.

'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up. You **** the bed!'

I hate it when that happens :gah: :roflmao:

This is a good one

>
>
> A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone,
> from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle
> pulls up
> beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her
> and asks,
> "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a
> ride?"
>
> "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on
> walking.
> The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
>
> "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on
> the back."
>
> "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down
> the street.
>
> The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and
> says,
> "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20
> Bucks" and "
> a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my
> bike and we
> will go for a ride."
>
> Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and
> Screams Out...
>
> "Look Dad" "You're the one who bought
> the Honda instead of the Harley
>
> "YOU RIDE IT!"

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Suppose to be a true story...May be a joke...who knows

Friend of mine came home at midnight...Drunk and Horney.....Woke up his wife and tried to hit on her.....She told him: Look Billy Joe I have to get up at 7:00 am and wash clothes.....Billy Joe says: h#ll if I ain`t through by 7 I`ll quit!

Golf

A hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she
knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me.
So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf..
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her
again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be
on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink inappreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered,

'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said.
'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied,

I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

ROFLMAO :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

So how come women close their eyes when they are having sex? ---- They can't stand to see a guy have a good time. Do you know why they fake orgasims?----- They think we care!

An older lady goes to a plastic surgeon an inquires about a face lift. The surgeon eagerly tells her about the newest technology if face lifts. When he was done with the surgery the woman would have a knob on the back of her head that she would be able to give a twist to once in awhile and tighten up any new wrinkles that would appear over time. Well about two years passed and the woman went back to the doctor to see if he could do anything about the terrible bags under her eyes that the knob just wouldn't get out any more. The doctor examined her and said he had bad news. Those weren't bags under her eyes, it was her breast. The woman then dejectedly ask ,"I guess there is no reason to ask about the gotee then huh?

What do blondes and tornadoes have in common. First they blow your brains out then they take your trailer. I gotta quit trying to tell jokes wilth half a charge on!

:roflmao: :roflmao:

One day in the distant past God, Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden. They were just hanging out, naming animals and plants and all of God's creations. At one point God says to the couple "You know Adam,Eve that I love you more than any of my other creations. So much so that I have given you the largest brains and sex organs in comparison to your size to any other of my creatures. Need less to say Adam and Eve were very thankful to God and told him so. But God in his infinite wisdom told them there was a catch. The couple asked what the catch was and God told them he was only going to give them enough blood for one to work at a time.

Don't mess with old people

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:roflmao:

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. :witsend: