Jokes

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED :


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Old not DEAD

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits
and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my
age...(I just turned 69).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun; like boating,
motorcycling, fishing, or golfing?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked sadly at me and asked...' Then, why do you even give a
****?'

Old

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ..

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

Quote of the day

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion... He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer? 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' he sobbed. 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jay bird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breaththlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

Don't tease lil old ladies

Don't tease lil old ladies

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Ol d Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Proof that Drinking beer may be hazardous to your health -

Proof that Drinking beer may be hazardous to your health:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

You say you want a Road King!!

YouTube - Can't ride bike. Crash motorcycle.

:roflmao: :roflmao:

Obama is my shepherd,
i shall not want.
He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment.
Yea, though i walk through the valley of the bread line,
i shall not go hungry.
Obama has anointed my income with taxes,
my expenses runneth over my income,
surely, poverty and hard living will follow me
all the days of my life.
The democrats and i will live forever
in a rented home.
But i am glad i am an american,
i am glad that i am free.
But i wish i was a dog
and obama was a tree.

How fast can a girl fu**? Only 68 mph because, at 69 she flips over and blows a rod!

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line
of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed
to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were
led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so
often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a
soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got
the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those
people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the
others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New England ...
They're still too wet to burn."

Boudreaux and the Cotton Mouth

I had to share this one:



Boudreaux he been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in he mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he have a plan. He reach into de back pockt of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a his Uncle Fouchon's moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Life be good on dat Louisiana bayou