Jokes

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said it's none of your business how old she is."



Man has ugly daughter that still lives at home and she's 32. He walks into her room and catches her using a vibrator.
That Sunday she comes home with her mom to find Dad sitting in the living room with the vibrator on the seat next to him. She is embarrassed and asked what he was doing. He replied, "I'm having a beer and watching the game with my son in-law"


What's blue and comes in brownies?

Cub Scouts!

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the
head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year
and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger
than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded
that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded
that it was to keep man's hand from flying off and hitting him in
the forehead.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, what the story?
He replies, Just crap in the carburetor.
She askes, How often do I have to do that?

Two Blondes in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and on e blonde says to the other, Whick do yuo thin is farther away...Florida or the moon?
The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooooooo, can you see Florida???:roflmao:

There's a blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
Yoo-hoo she shouts, "How can I get on the other side?"
The second blonde looks up then down the river and shouts back, "You are on the other side."

what's the difference between Mono and herpes?

you get mono from snatching a kiss


Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."


2 men were out golfing one day and the first man said he had a migrane headache and needed to go home.

His friend, who was a doctor, told him that when he gets a migrane he goes home, puts his head between his wifes legs and has her squeeze until the pain goes away.

The next day they are out golfing again, and the first man says "I tried what you told me yesterday"...2nd man "oh ya? what did you think?"

1st man..."you got a nice house dude!"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful blonde and orders a drink .he drinks about half of his drink then he looks at the blonde and asks can I smell your pu$$y ? she says absolutely not!!! he says oh it must be your feet

best friend

A man walked into the bar and ordered a double bourbon and slugged it down
Right away he ordered another and drank it straight away
Then ordered another. The bartender asked hey pal you ok?
The man says No I just came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. Oh man thats to bad the bartendes says what did you say?
I told that B#$CH to pack her crap and hit the road and get the F@$k out
The bartender says thats good but what did you tell your friend......
BAD DOG!!! the mans says NO BISQUIT:roflmao:

one more for fun

I rear ended a car today.......The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

Man, was he mad !

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT HAPPY!

I said, "Then, which one are you?"

Things got bad after that.

why do blondes wear panties?

to keep their ankles warm.

how does a blonde turn the light on after sex?

she opens the car door.

there was a young man from the back hills just turned 18, he went to his ol man and said, dad I never been to town It's my birthday I think I'll go.
his father told him that was a good idea but he had no money to give him so that he could have a good time but he did say "I got this duck son and if you are careful this duck can get you the night on the town yer looking for". the son thanked him took the duck and headed to town. as he entered town he passed a whore house with this gorgous blonde soliciting out front, so when she propostioned the young man he said "miss I got no money for that, all I got is this duck". but with the night being slow she told him she would do him for that duck and they went inside. they entered the room and got to business and man he was good, so good that the gal told him if he could do that again she would give him his duck back, so he did. leaving the whore house with his duck under his arm he started to cross the street when out of nowhere this truck came screeching to a stop hitting the lad, and knocking the duck out of his grip landing right under the front tire of this truck. the truck driver all shook up asked him if he was ok, the young man said " yea I'm ok but you sure squished the hhell out of my duck" the driver tring to keep this off his record offered 20.00 dollars for the duck. the young man figured that was a pretty good deal took the 20 and headed back home. as he walked through the screen door the ol man asked him if he had a good time, in town if it was all it was cracked up to be? the young man responded " yup it was great I got a fuc for a duck, a duck for a fuc and 20 bucks for a fu@ked up duck."

This one is for you, Chuck .

Subject: The Journey of a Man or the search for enlightenment

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided
to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year my wife swallowed one. It gave her a
tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's
fingers off at the knuckle and I still got 10 shaves out of it."

What are 3 words you never wanna hearwhile making love?


Honey, I'm home!



The longest sentence known to man.....


I do.



how does a Catholic Priest know when its bedtime


When the Big hand touches the little hand

The Husband Store < Please-choose-a-handle > 08/07 15:49:20

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

~~~

A new wives store opened across the street. Same rules apply.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

:roflmao:

They're all very funny, but I think I'm going to have to find a few from the other side.

This wasn't exactly what I had in mind:

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*CK YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.