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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

Page 30 of 61
  1. HarleysLR

    HarleysLR Active Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
    HarleysLR, Sep 15, 2009
    #581
  3. TM103

    TM103 Active Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
    Sounds like AZ:D
    TM103, Sep 15, 2009
    #582
  4. Ashley

    Ashley Active Member

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    Location:
    Izmir Province, Turkey
    I found gthis from an American friend

    --

    The coach had spent years putting together the perfect team in Detroit. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then, one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan, he saw something amazing; in one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 50 yards away, taking out a sniper. *BOOM!*

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards, right down a chimney, and into a hornet's nest of mujihadeen. *BOOM*

    The kid then threw another grenade through the window of a passing car-bomber going 80 mph. *BOOM*

    "I've got to get this guy!", the Coach said; "He has the perfect arm!"

    The coach gets the kid, brings him to the US, and teaches him the great game of football. Within a year, the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a great football hero, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you, the old Afghan woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"-- she sobs, before concluding, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
    Ashley, Sep 29, 2009
    #583
  5. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    good one ashley!!!!!!!!!! good to see you posting...
    chucktx, Sep 29, 2009
    #584
  6. AFNurse

    AFNurse Moderator Staff Member

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    my guess is they would then start wearing them SIDEWAYS and still have problems....anything more then that, and they may as well wear the old PITH Helmets....
    AFNurse, Sep 29, 2009
    #585
  7. HarleysLR

    HarleysLR Active Member

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    Maybe showing my age but weren’t the old Sherlock Homes hat double billed!!
    HarleysLR, Sep 29, 2009
    #586
  8. AFNurse

    AFNurse Moderator Staff Member

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    A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

    The teacher asked Little Johnny why he decided to be Different... again.
    Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

    The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

    Johnny said, 'Because I'm a conservative.'

    The teacher asked why he's a conservative.

    Little Johnny answered, 'Well, My Mom's a conservative and my Dad's a conservative, so I'm a conservative.'

    The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'


    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'


    I always liked Little Johnny.
    AFNurse, Sep 29, 2009
    #587
  9. AFNurse

    AFNurse Moderator Staff Member

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    yup...but in plad.....
    AFNurse, Sep 29, 2009
    #588
  10. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the
    same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or a Frenchman
    an assshole.


    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a
    gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just taking a sheet."



    Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a
    bit slow, but man, pass the parcel was quick!!!



    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized
    that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
    me.


    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth
    floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up
    Abdul........ won't it start?"

    :D
    FLHTbiker, Sep 30, 2009
    #589
  11. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    This says it all

    Attached Files:

    FLHTbiker, Sep 30, 2009
    #590
  12. hotroadking

    hotroadking Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Does that mean you'll be buying more bread? :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
    hotroadking, Sep 30, 2009
    #591
  13. hotroadking

    hotroadking Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Location:
    Mouseville USA
    This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.


    There is a moral to this story...


    In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
    The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

    'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.'


    There was a fish in the water thinking,

    'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'


    There was a bear on the shore thinking,

    'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...
    and I will grab the fish!!'

    It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

    'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
    and that fish leaps for it...
    that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
    I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

    Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,
    But I can tell you there's more...

    A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

    'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly...
    and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
    and drop his cheese sandwich.'

    A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
    (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

    Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly
    and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that bear...
    and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...

    Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

    The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
    heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

    The fish swallows the fly...
    The bear grabs the fish...
    The hunter shoots the bear...
    The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
    The cat jumps for the mouse...
    The mouse ducks...
    The cat falls into the water and drowns.

    NOW, The Moral Of The Story...

    Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
    Some *****'s gonna be in serious danger.
    hotroadking, Sep 30, 2009
    #592
  14. Hot01

    Hot01 Active Member

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    :roflmao:
    Hot01, Sep 30, 2009
    #593
  15. Lucifer

    Lucifer Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Cape Breton NS,Canada
    MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD
    'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

    'Yes. What can I do for you?'

    'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

    The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

    Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

    Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....

    Did the Sheriff come?'

    'Yeah!'

    'Did they chop your firewood?'

    'Yep!'

    'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
    Lucifer, Oct 2, 2009
    #594
  16. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    very good!!!!!!!!!! lol
    chucktx, Oct 2, 2009
    #595
  17. TM103

    TM103 Active Member

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    That's their mentality! :):roflmao:
    TM103, Oct 2, 2009
    #596
  18. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    wonder if they stacked when done :roflmao:
    cowboy, Oct 2, 2009
    #597
  19. Slimjim

    Slimjim Active Member

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    Location:
    Georgia
    The Deaf Bookkeeper

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
    cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is
    deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed
    that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that
    he might have to testify about in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper
    about his missing $10 million, he brings along his
    attorney, who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where
    the $10 million he embezzled from me is.'

    The attorney, using sign language, asks the
    bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I
    don't know what you are talking about.'

    The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he
    doesn't know what you're talking about.'

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
    bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

    The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't
    tell him!'

    The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The
    money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
    backyard in Queens !'

    The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well,
    what'd he say?'

    The attorney replies: 'He says you don't
    have the balls to pull the trigger.'


    Don't you just love lawyers?
    Slimjim, Oct 4, 2009
    #598
  20. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    sounds right!!
    chucktx, Oct 4, 2009
    #599
  21. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    "The only positive thing about the 'Cash for Clunkers' program
    is that it took 700,000 Obama bumper stickers off the road." :roflmao:
    FLHTbiker, Oct 5, 2009
    #600
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