Jokes

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

:roflmao::roflmao:

Another Genie joke, while we are on the subject.

I man is walking along the beach in southern California, and comes accross an old oil lamp. Thinking he could clean it up and it would look good in his house, he starts rubbing, and lo and behold, out pops a Genie.

"You have freed me from hundreds of years of imprisonment in that lamp, so I will grant you your traditional three wishes"

The man replies, after a brief moment to recover, " My first wish is to have a nicer house. See that small house on the hill?" he asks, pointing to the small house. "it is all I could afford, but I would like a nicer house" and goes on to describe his ideal house, 6 bedrooms, 5 baths, 4000 square feet, with a 10 car garage.

The Genie waves his hands, and suddenly there was the ideal house. The genie explains that the taxes are paid up for his lifetime, and hands him the keys and deed.

"For my second wish, I would like some nice vehicles in that garage" the man continues, and describes his idea of a nice collection, including a Corvette, BMW, Ferrari, a couple of Harleys, etc.

The Genie waves his hands, and says "It is done, here are the keys" handing the man a keyring full of keys. "You have one wish remaining" the genie adds.

"Well" the man says, " I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly, and get deathly seasick on boats, I would like you to build a bridge from Southern California to Hawaii".

The genie looks at him and replies, " Are you mad?! The logistics of that is nearly impossible, I would have to sink supports to the bottom of the Pacific. It would run the world out of concrete and re-bar for many years. That wish is nearly impossible, please think of another wish"

The man is a bit dejected, but then says "Alright then, I have been married and divorced twice, and have had a few girlfriends, and whenever the breakup happens, they tell me the same thing, that I do not understand them. They are correct, I do not understand women. For my third wish, I want to understand women".

The genie looks at him and says " Do you want a two lane bridge or a four lane bridge?"

Re: O'Bama Jokes

Q: What’s the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don’t think they’re funny and everyone else doesn’t think they’re jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What’s the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What’s the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One’s full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What’s the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What’s the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin’ African.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What’s another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn’t Obama pray?
A: It’s impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

- Barack Obama: He has what it takes, to take what you’ve got!

- Barack Obama’s campaign slogan, “Yes we can” has become, “Yes you will!”

- No one wants to see GM’s new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down!

- The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. 25 to life seems appropriate

- Obama doesn’t want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead.

New Barack Channel (NBC)
Another Barack Channel (ABC)
My Seriously New Barack Channel (MSNBC)



A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this; “Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Plymouths, and I voted for Obama.”

speeding in Kansas

These may already be in here but they worth a new laugh anyway.

SPEEDING IN Kansas

GOOD
A Lansing, Kansas policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Kansas City, Kansas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Kansas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.'
He replied, 'Kansas State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Balls?:roflmao::roflmao:

:roflmao:no balls:roflmao::roflmao:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had a horse race to town with the understanding that whever lost had to do do whatever the winner decided as payment. Well the Lone Ranger won and for payment tells Tonto "the horses have worked up quit a sweat in this race we had so you are to run around them really fast creating a breeze so as to cool them off and when thats done you come in the saloon and I,ll buy you a sasparila". Lone Ranger goes in for a drink and shortly in comes the sheriff, hey ranger is that your big white horse outside? Ranger says "yes it is sir is there a problem with that?" to which the sheriff says "no, but you left the injin running"