Jokes

I henceforth apologize for what I am about to post...

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don' forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! "

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

had to share
stuck in my brain
must get it out!

Love it :roflmao::roflmao:

Christmas Texas Style: :roflmao:

I thought it was going to end with obama & Nancy holding there arms out till that got shot but ended better then I thought:roflmao:
& FLHT did chuck send you that pic of him:roflmao:

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man ... "Costs too much!"

hehehe

:d:d

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married,
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much
discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role
playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday, at the end of
the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all
the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so turned on that we made
mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not
only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made
arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil
bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a
black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask.'

'When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down,
turned on ESPN and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'''

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:roflmao:he 's been married to long or is now single :roflmao:

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms

answers the door.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club".

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?".

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples".

lmao!!!

that might hurt a bit:roflmao: