Jokes

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and
comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing
too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along."

What's the most commonly used phrase in a *** bar???

Do you mind if I push your stool in??

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. It is only served in a waffle cone and taste best while bent over.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said: "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, so I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... she started to
repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?

Good one. try that one at the superbowl

Mongo At the Gates of Hell

Three men, a baker, a brewmeister and Mongo an old biker, all died and were standing at the gates of Hell when Satan stepped out to greet them.
The Devil spoke saying "Hells pretty crowded right now what with all the politicians and lawyers we have been getting lately, so I'll make you guys a deal"
"If any one of you can name a task that I can't perform", said Lucifer, "I'll refuse you entry and you'll get to go to Heaven".
The baker spoke right up saying "I've been a baker all my life so I'd like to see you bake a hundred loaves of bread and eat them all".
The Father of Lies said " It's been long time since I've had a bite and I am feeling a bit on the hungry side". He then proceeded to bake a hundred loaves in one of the smaller ovens of Hell and promptly at them all.
In through the gates went the baker.
Having seen the ease with which the baker was delt with the brewmeister hesitantly came forward and said "Err, I b-b-been a b-b-brewmeister all my l-l-life and, ah, I-I-I'd like t-t-to see you b-b-brew up 100 g-g-gallons of ale and d-d-drink it all".
The Son of Perdition laughed and said "Well, after eating all that bread, I am a bit thirsty". He then emptied one of the smaller cauldrons and tossed in the makings and brewed up 100 gallons of fine ale and drank it all down.
In through the gates went the brewmeister.
Beelzebub then turned to Mongo.
"Mongo," said Little Horn, "I've long been waiting for you to get here, you've lived a life of debauchery unrivaled by many who are inside, but a deal is a deal. What task would you like to name?"
Mongo looked The Wicked One squarely in the eye, let out an enormous fart and said "Catch that".

Getting Their Attention

Having been a master plumber for many years, I've had the opportunity to teach many apprentices the trade. This is a story I always told each one of them.

A farmer and his neighbor were pulling stumps in a field the farmer wanted to plow.
Across the field a jackass was grazing on some grass.
The farmer said to his neighbor "While I hook up this harness, go over there and tell that jackass to come help
pull this stump".
The neighbor asked "What do you mean"?
"Just go over and tell him to come help, he'll understand" said the farmer.
The neighbor walked across the field and said to the jackass "Hey, the farmer wants you to come help pull that stump".
The jackass just went on eating grass.
The neighbor repeated himself louder this time "Hey, the farmer wants you to come
help pull that stump".
The jackass still just went on eating grass.
About that time the farmer walked up with a 2x4 and "Wham" he hit the jackass upside the head with it. "Get over there and pull that stump". the farmer said and the jackass trotted across the field, stuck his head into the harness and pulled the stump.
The farmer turned to his neighbor and said, "The thing about a jackass is, you have to get his attention before you can tell him anything".

One last story for today

The Bar Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every ones amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While he is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight but,ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Okay, one more.

A lady walks into a Harley dealership .....

Almost immediately, she spotted the most beautiful new Fat Boy bike that she
had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the
fine leather seat, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she
anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed, and hoped a sales person
didn't pop up right then. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her,
was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing
had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this
ride?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching it, you're going to S#!t when you hear the
price!

Re: Jokes Try this

http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf

Re: Okay, one more.

That's a good one!!

Great joke,i have heard it with Bob Hope instead of JB

I don't know if this is a true story or not but it sure made me giggle.........



Wyoming coyote problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S.. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane"
solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

Therefore the population would be controlled by this method.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.Finally, an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped
his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here, these coyotes ain't ****in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room. The meeting never really got back on track