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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

Page 37 of 61
  1. ironhorse

    ironhorse Active Member

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    I'm everywhere, I'm everywhere
    word verbatum I don't know but I have heard of the story as truth
    ironhorse, Feb 25, 2010
    #721
  3. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    doesnt surprise me..........
    chucktx, Feb 26, 2010
    #722
  4. amf4399

    amf4399 Active Member

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    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    The guy leaves, but he is curious.

    So he goes back into the bar.



    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.



    He goes back into the bar.



    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says, "So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
    amf4399, Mar 5, 2010
    #723
  5. ironhorse

    ironhorse Active Member

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    I'm everywhere, I'm everywhere
    :eek::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
    ironhorse, Mar 6, 2010
    #724
  6. TM103

    TM103 Active Member

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    ROTFLMFAO:roflmao::roflmao:
    TM103, Mar 6, 2010
    #725
  7. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    Location:
    rochester, minnesota
    An elderly couple, who were both widowed,
    > > had been going out with each other for a long time.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > Urged on by their friends, they decided it
    > > was finally time to get married.
    > >
    > > Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
    > > and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might
    > > work.
    > >
    > > They discussed finances, living
    > > arrangements, and so on.
    > >
    > > Finally, the old gentleman decided it was
    > > time to broach the subject of their physical
    > > relationship.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
    > > "I would like it infrequently", she replied.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
    > > adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and
    > > whispered:
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "Is that one word or
    > > two?"
    quietone, Mar 9, 2010
    #726
  8. Welder

    Welder New Member

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    :D Very Good, hope she said the latter!:roflmao::roflmao:
    Welder, Mar 9, 2010
    #727
  9. amf4399

    amf4399 Active Member

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    I should asked that question when I got married.
    amf4399, Mar 10, 2010
    #728
  10. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    Oregon
    A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.



    The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'



    The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.



    The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc , look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.



    So how come I earn $29,675 a year and you get the really big pay packet $1,695,759 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'



    The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...














    Try doing it with the engine running………!

    :D
    FLHTbiker, Mar 11, 2010
    #729
  11. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao:& now you know the rest of the story :D
    cowboy, Mar 11, 2010
    #730
  12. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    The Moral of Auntie Sharon

    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

    'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

    'Very good,' said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

    'That was a fine story Sarah.'

    Michael, do you have a story to share?'

    'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
    ran out of bullets.

    Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
    And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


    'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


    'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.' :roflmao:
    FLHTbiker, Mar 14, 2010
    #731
  13. HarleysLR

    HarleysLR Active Member

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    Colorado Springs, CO
    This may be here someplace already....

    A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
    The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
    Anything you say can and will be held against you."

    The drunk replies, "Tits" :D
    HarleysLR, Mar 15, 2010
    #732
  14. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    hehehe!
    chucktx, Mar 15, 2010
    #733
  15. amf4399

    amf4399 Active Member

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    America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. - Jay Leno

    Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
    A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. - Conan O'Brien

    Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
    A: A fund raiser. - Jay Leno

    Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
    A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing
    prisoners. - David Letterman

    Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would
    be saved?
    A: America ! - Jimmy Fallon

    Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
    A: Bo has papers. - Jimmy Kimmel
    My favorite one
    Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
    A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. - David Letterman
    amf4399, Apr 20, 2010
    #734
  16. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    good find amf!!!!!!!!!!
    chucktx, Apr 20, 2010
    #735
  17. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    ya real good find thank's for a good laugh & the truth:D
    cowboy, Apr 20, 2010
    #736
  18. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    A teacher asks an Arkansas redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

    She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."


    Kinda brings a tear to ya eye.....

    I lost the Jeopardy quiz last night by one damn point.
    The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
    Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."
    chucktx, Apr 28, 2010
    #737
  19. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :eek::roflmao::roflmao:
    cowboy, Apr 28, 2010
    #738
  20. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    Location:
    rochester, minnesota
    A guy goes hunting. When a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and
    discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a
    hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

    "Well sir, I have some
    good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The
    damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we
    were able to remove all of the buckshot."

    "What's the bad news?" Asked
    the hunter.

    "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive
    buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going
    to have to refer you to my sister."

    "Well I guess that isn't too bad,"
    the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

    "Not exactly,"
    answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony
    Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss
    in your
    eye."
    quietone, Apr 29, 2010
    #739
  21. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao: that's some bad luck:eek:
    cowboy, Apr 29, 2010
    #740
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