Jokes

duh....:roflmao::roflmao:

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.
You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked !"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing ," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

The Biker gave `er a push!!!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course
> >>>> became
> >>>> confused as to where he was on the course..
> >>>>
> >>>> Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
> >>>>
> >>>> He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
> >>>> what hole he was playing.
> >>>>
> >>>> 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So
> >>>> you
> >>>> must be on the 6th hole.'
> >>>>
> >>>> He thanked her and went back to his golf.
> >>>>
> >>>> On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
> >>>> with
> >>>> the same request.
> >>>>
> >>>> 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on
> >>>> the
> >>>> 13th hole.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
> >>>>
> >>>> He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
> >>>> lady
> >>>> sitting at the end of the bar.
> >>>>
> >>>> He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
> >>>>
> >>>> The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
> >>>> often.
> >>>>
> >>>> He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
> >>>> your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in
> >>>> sales
> >>>> also. What do you sell?'
> >>>>
> >>>> 'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
> >>>>
> >>>> 'No, I won't.'
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
> >>>>
> >>>> With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar
> >>>> stool.
> >>>>
> >>>> 'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
> >>>>
> >>>> 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
> >>>> Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.

These have prolly beena posted before, but maybe one or two new ones added...

Southern FOLKS know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern FOLKS know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern WOMEN know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern WOMEN know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern FOLKS know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern FOLKS know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern WOMEN know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly." ("Dreckly" in my family)

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right fer piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line", we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, biscuits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning, bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !