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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

Page 42 of 61
  1. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    yup, good stuff, and i resemble most of em!
    chucktx, Feb 11, 2011
    #821
  3. cardboard

    cardboard Well-Known Member

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    Wooden Leg INsurance

    Wooden Leg Insurance




    A MAN and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!

    When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

    The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

    The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!
    cardboard, Feb 12, 2011
    #822
  4. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    :d:d
    chucktx, Feb 12, 2011
    #823
  5. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao:
    cowboy, Feb 12, 2011
    #824
  6. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    This hurts!

    CLUNKER MATH

    The person who calculated this bit of information has been a professor at The University of West Virginia in Morgantown, West Virginia for the last forty some years.

    A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year.
    A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons of gas a year.
    So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.
    The government claims 700,000 clunkers have been replaced so that’s 224 million gallons saved per year.
    That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil. 5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption.
    More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars.
    So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.
    We spent $8.57 for every $1.00 we saved.

    I’m pretty sure they will do a better job with our health care, though.
    quietone, Feb 13, 2011
    #825
  7. HarleysLR

    HarleysLR Active Member

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    yea right
    HarleysLR, Feb 13, 2011
    #826
  8. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    :eek::eek::wtf:
    chucktx, Feb 13, 2011
    #827
  9. BluePearl

    BluePearl New Member

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    Hate to say it but that ain't no joke! We got some bad politicians here in Canada but you guys down south have a whole lot of em!
    Too much government but no governing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    BluePearl, Feb 13, 2011
    #828
  10. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    rochester, minnesota
    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.


    The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.


    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.


    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.


    'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.


    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '


    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
    then I wouldn't have a siren. '
    quietone, Feb 13, 2011
    #829
  11. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    :d:d
    chucktx, Feb 13, 2011
    #830
  12. BluePearl

    BluePearl New Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
    BluePearl, Feb 14, 2011
    #831
  13. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    Obamacare

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

    "Hello?"

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."

    ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

    "The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
    FLHTbiker, Feb 14, 2011
    #832
  14. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    hehehehe
    chucktx, Feb 14, 2011
    #833
  15. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

    Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

    So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!:D

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
    FLHTbiker, Feb 16, 2011
    #834
  16. Crankshaft

    Crankshaft New Member

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    Slap him AGAIN!!! I missed it...
    Crankshaft, Feb 16, 2011
    #835
  17. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    one more time, i missed em both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    chucktx, Feb 16, 2011
    #836
  18. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    heck just keep pickin him up to do it again so the whole crowed can see it again :roflmao:
    cowboy, Feb 16, 2011
    #837
  19. popeye

    popeye Active Member

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    A man buys a lie detector test that slaps people when they lie. he decides to test it on his son at dinner. DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
    SON: At school? *ROBOT SLAPS SON*
    SON: Okay! I went to see a movie.
    DAD: Which one?
    SON: Toy Story...*ROBOT SLAPS SON*
    SON: Okay! it was a Day With A Pornstar.
    DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didnt even know what porn was! *ROBOT SLAPS DAD*
    MOM: HAHA! He is definitely your son! *ROBOT SLAPS MOM
    popeye, Feb 18, 2011
    #838
  20. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao:
    cowboy, Feb 18, 2011
    #839
  21. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    This guy goes to confession. He says to the priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I had sex with at least 7 beautiful women this week."
    The priest says, "Squeeze 3 lemons and drink the juice."
    The guy says, "Will that cleanse my sins?"
    The priest says, "No, but it will get that **** eating grin off your face."
    quietone, Feb 20, 2011
    #840
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