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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

  1. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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  2. popeye

    popeye Active Member

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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


    Ees


    Ees


    Ees



    Ees a ham bush..."
  3. HarleysLR

    HarleysLR Active Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao: "ham bush"
  4. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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  5. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    That's a good one :roflmao:
  6. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao: AZ can use a few of them trees
  7. FLHTbiker

    FLHTbiker Moderator Staff Member

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    WARNING:........................................................


    This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the

    United States keeps meddling in Egypt's affairs they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, Comcast, Dish Network, DirectTV, USBank, Chase, eBay Customer Service and AOL customer service reps also.

    Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

    NEWS at ELEVEN!

    Works for me. :D
  8. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao::gah: promises pormises
  9. Lucifer

    Lucifer Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Cape Breton NS,Canada
    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

    Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

    The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

    The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

    The man broke into a big smile and said, "No"..

    She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in.
  10. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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  11. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao:
  12. Wideglide85

    Wideglide85 Active Member

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    I went to a premature ejaculation clinic, but when I got there, nobody was around. I musta came too early...
  13. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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  14. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    LMAO I started to type some thing but , don't want to get banned :roflmao:
  15. popeye

    popeye Active Member

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    Location:
    Oklahoma
    A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

    He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,

    "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"


    "No, what?" asks the man

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...WHOLE!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,

    "He eats everything in sight, I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey withhim. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl ofMaraschino Cherries on the bar.

    He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Thenthe Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what your Monkey did now?"

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied,

    "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to sh*t that cue ball he measures everything first
  16. Wideglide85

    Wideglide85 Active Member

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  17. hotroadking

    hotroadking Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."




    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    The man said, "I do, Father."

    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

    Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply..

    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.."

    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.."




    Paddy was in New York .

    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"






    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

    "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

    "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"





    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and sa ys, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"





    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

    "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

    "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

    "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

    She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."





    Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

    Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
  18. popeye

    popeye Active Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao:
  19. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    good ones!!!
  20. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    real good ones , i 'll have to send these to my siblings cause there half Irish, Dad married a german :D

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