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Jokes

Discussion in 'Pull up a chair and sit for a spell' started by chucktx, Aug 7, 2007.

Page 44 of 61
  1. hotroadking

    hotroadking Super Moderator Staff Member

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    Many of these are probably in poor taste, to which I say tough camel titties.

    Q: What do female Muslims use for birth control?
    A: Their faces.

    Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
    A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.

    Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ?
    A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around.

    Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
    A. "Having car trouble?"

    Q. What's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and a terrorist enemy?
    A. I don't know either.

    Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
    A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

    A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back.

    A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming.

    The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles."

    His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


    Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as a goat.

    Q:Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
    A: Neither did I.

    Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    A. What's toilet paper?

    Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
    A. Tickle the goat under the chin.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2011
    hotroadking, Mar 23, 2011
    #861
  3. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    :d:d:d
    chucktx, Mar 23, 2011
    #862
  4. HarleysLR

    HarleysLR Active Member

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    Yeah you're right poor taste but I laughed anyway...:D:roflmao:
    HarleysLR, Mar 23, 2011
    #863
  5. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao: I always had a sick sence of humer :D
    cowboy, Mar 23, 2011
    #864
  6. popeye

    popeye Active Member

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    Senior Center

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

    Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend
    to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful,
    antique pocket watch from his coat.

    "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
    special watch.
    It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently
    back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
    the watch..."

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
    off its polished surface.

    Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped
    from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
    pieces.

    SH!T!" said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

    Claude was never invited back to entertain
    popeye, Apr 5, 2011
    #865
  7. Fatboy128

    Fatboy128 Well-Known Member

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    A flasher runs up to three elderly ladies and opens his trench coat to show-off his large woody.
    The first elderly lady had a stroke,
    The the second elderly had a stroke,
    The third elderly lady had bad arthitis and couldn't reach it.
    :D
    Fatboy128, Apr 5, 2011
    #866
  8. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    lmao!!!!!!!!!!!
    chucktx, Apr 5, 2011
    #867
  9. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    quietone, Apr 8, 2011
    #868
  10. JohnnyBiker

    JohnnyBiker Well-Known Member

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    JohnnyBiker, Apr 8, 2011
    #869
  11. Daxx169

    Daxx169 New Member

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    Whew. made it through all of them to ensure I could add a few originals!

    here we go...

    Mickey and minny are sitting in divorce court, waiting for the judge to render his final decision. The judge checks all his papers, and says to Mickey "in the case of mr. Vs. Mrs. Mouse, I find the claims of insanity by Mr. Mouse against Mrs. Mouse to be completely fraudulent, and therefore award all the Possessions shared by the couple to Mrs. Mouse, in order to compensate her for the stress of this ordeal".
    Mickey stands up, shakes his head in disgust and says to the judge "I didnt say she was crazy, I SAID SHE WAS ****ING GOOFY!"
    Daxx169, Apr 9, 2011
    #870
  12. Daxx169

    Daxx169 New Member

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    similar to one before, but a little bit different wording...

    Why are hurricanes and women similar?
    wet and wild when they come,
    take the house and the car when they leave!


    Why are divorces expensive?
    BECAUSE THEY'RE WORTH IT!


    What do fat ladies and mopeds have in common?
    fun to ride, til your friends find out.

    (another closely worded one)
    How can you tell when its time to go to sleep at the neverland ranch?
    Big hand touches the little hand.

    Phrase often heard around the beach and michael jackson
    "hey mister, yer in my sun!"
    Daxx169, Apr 9, 2011
    #871
  13. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    A MAN and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!

    When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

    The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

    The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!
    quietone, Apr 17, 2011
    #872
  14. quietone

    quietone Active Member

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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Arlene: What in the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Arlene: Where did you get it?

    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

    The pharmacist fainted
    quietone, Apr 17, 2011
    #873
  15. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    Two good ones :D:roflmao:
    cowboy, Apr 17, 2011
    #874
  16. Wideglide85

    Wideglide85 Active Member

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    A nice looking young fella knocked on my door one evening, he said "I'm a Jehova's Witness". So I invited him in, got him a glass of iced tea & asked him "OK, so what would you like to talk about?" He looked at me and answered, "Beats the sh*t outta me, Ive never gotten this far before."
    Wideglide85, Apr 18, 2011
    #875
  17. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    The Frenchman says, When I've finished makin’ love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.


    The Italian replies That is nothing. When I've finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.


    The redneck says, “Y’all don’t know s**t. When I've finished porkin’ the ol’ lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. "She hits the frickin' ceiling".
    chucktx, Apr 18, 2011
    #876
  18. Lucifer

    Lucifer Well-Known Member

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    :roflmao::roflmao:
    Lucifer, Apr 19, 2011
    #877
  19. cowboy

    cowboy Moderator Staff Member

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    Two more good ones :roflmao::roflmao:
    cowboy, Apr 19, 2011
    #878
  20. hotroadking

    hotroadking Super Moderator Staff Member

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    A young man moved out from his parent's home and into a new apartment, all his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
    While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

    Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these
    breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
    I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
    How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

    Clearing his throat, he stammered...


    'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'
    hotroadking, Apr 19, 2011
    #879
  21. chucktx

    chucktx Moderator Staff Member

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    :d:d
    chucktx, Apr 19, 2011
    #880
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