Jokes

There was this sailor who was ship wrecked on a deserted Island for years.
One day while sitting on the beach pondering his awful situation he sees bubbles in the ocean coming towards him.
Eventually a scuba diver starts to emerge from the water walking towards the sailor.
It becomes apparent that this is a shapely woman.
She pulls off her tank, mask and hood revealing long blonde hair and the most beautiful face.
As she walked with an exagerated wiggle she unzipped her wet suit revealing ample cleavage.
She walked up to the sailor and asked "Have you been here alone for long?"
He replied "Yes I have here years all by myself".
She unzipped her wet suit a little more and said "Is there anything I can do for you, anything (wink)". He said "Man I would sure love a smoke". With a sigh she unzipped her suit a little more, reached into her wetsuit pulled out a pack of smokes and a lighter and lit him a smoke. He took a few good pulls on it and looked pleased.
She then unzipped a little more, her breasts spilling out and said "Come on now (wink) is there ANYTHING else I can do for you (wink)". He replied "Man I'd love a cold beer" With a big sigh she unzipped the suit down to her naked groin and puuled out a six pack of Bud and cracked one open for the sailor. He was really happy now.
She now says to him "Come on now sweetie, lets play around OK?" The sailor remarks in astonishment "You have golf clubs in there too!"

Fertile Celebration
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling

I hear that Popeye wanted to beat the crap out of Moses........he heard he was going Mount Olive

Using capitals can mean the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" or "helping your uncle jack off a horse"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Blondes Explaining Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told
them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter
represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said,
"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when
he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on
the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very
large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good..."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and
Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

Saint Peter passed out!!