Jokes

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doin...g?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He's lieing on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him...:roflmao:

LOL....Good one...

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him that they were not coming out of the water until he left. The old man called out, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator.

Some old men can still think fast.

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time
before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they
make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife rolls over
and falls asleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and
says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

Now that is a cruel and insensitive woman...

TSubject: All Wrong



It makes sense now.

*** marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years

Bass Boat

Down in alabama a bass boat gets delivered to a good ol boys house. His wife asks whats with the boat? He says he won it in a contest. She says there aint no water in over a 100 miles what the hell you gonna do with tbat dam boat. He says i won it an I'm gonna keep it.
Later his brother comes by the house and asks fer his brother. The wife says that idiot is out in the back 40 in his dam boat. The brother goes round back an ses his brother sitting in the boat with a fishing pole in the middle of a field.
The brother yells out him you idiot, you the guy that gives people the idea that all us from alabama are ignorant morons. If i could swim i'd come oit there and wup your ass.

Sent from my Droid using Tapatalk 2

Farm kids in Minnesota


You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Minnesota, a group of male students played a prank . They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.




Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.....

And you thought there was nothing to do in Minnesota!

:roflmao::roflmao:

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses.

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.



The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister..."



When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, an F150 Ford pickup, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

LOL...Sounds good to me...

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER:

A long, long time ago, an old prospector shuffled into the town of Fort Worth Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the main saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

My Garmin...

I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!

Yes...This is a joke....Released on $2,500 bond...Should have shot em...

Pilot Catches Thief During Fly-By | ABC News Blogs - Yahoo!

From one of my Canadain friends...

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"

I replied:..

2 million Native Indians;

1 million crack heads;

7.3 million unemployed people

100,000 people in prisons;

Half of Haiti;

105 persons in the Federal Senate and

308 Members of Parliament.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.......



I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HECK DID I MISS?