Jokes

A reporter asks Bill Clinton: How's Hillary's head?"

Bill responds: "Well, she's no Monica."

Lol...

Today's romantic message



My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text...

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you

I replied...
I'm taking a crap. What should I do?

Punography ~~



Here are some real groaners for you!



I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.





When chemists die, they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.



A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



PMS jokes aren't funny, period.



Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.



Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.



Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.



I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!



Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



Broken pencils are pointless.



What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .



I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.



I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.



Velcro - what a rip off!



Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.



Venison for dinner? Oh deer!



Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.



I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.



Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.







Sorry, someone sent them to me so I sent them to you!

Yes...Groan...

Hillbilly visits big city:



After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly witch he's runnin' around with

MAN LOGIC

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your f --- Ferrari then?

JOKE Thread 2

Bob decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling
some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I
think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".
Bob gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong.?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before.!"

"I wasn't"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Go figure.

Girl & Guy In A University Library

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

:roflmao::roflmao:

A big city lawyer came to Oklahoma to hunt ducks. He hired an outfitter to assemble all the clothes, gear and guns for the trip. He also hired a guide to help him find the ducks. The lawyer fellow had plenty of very nice equipment, and saw a lot of birds, but his shooting skills left a lot to be desired. He took many shots, but couldn't seem to hit a duck.

On the fourth day afield, he finally hit a duck, and the duck fell to the ground across the fence line from where he was hunting. His guide told him that he shouldn't cross the fence, as they didn't have permission to enter the adjoining property. The lawyer didn't seem to think much of this advice, and proceeded toward the fence line.

As he struggled to get through the barbed wire, a scraggly old farmer pulled up on his tractor. The farmer told him that he was trespassing, and ordered him to leave the property. The lawyer informed him that he was just retrieving the duck that he had shot. The farmer replied that since the duck landed on his property, it belonged to him. The lawyer then proceeded to tell him that he was an attorney, and that if he didn't get the duck, he would sue the farmer. The farmer thought about that briefly, and then told the man that the court system was not how such a dispute is handled in his area. "The way we handle something like this around here, is we take turns kicking each other. I will kick you three times, then you kick me three times. Whoever gives up first loses".

The lawyer sized up the farmer, and decided that he didn't look very tough. "I'll do that", he told the farmer. The farmer told him to brace himself, then promptly kicked the lawyer in the nuts. This caused the lawyer to double over in pain. the farmer then immediately ran around behind him, and kicked him in the butt, knocking him to his knees. Finally, he delivered a blow to the side of his head, sending his face into a fresh pile of cow dung.

The lawyer was reeling from the blows, but managed to drag himself to his feet. "Alright, get ready", he told the farmer. "Never mind", replied the farmer. "You can keep the duck. It's a little greasy for my taste."

Guy sits down on a park bench.

There’s another guy sitting there with a German Shepard next to him.

First guy says.. “Hey, does your dog bite?”

The other guy say’s “ Nope, friendly as can be.”

First guy reaches out to pet the dog and it bites the **** outa him right down to the bone. He yells out “hey you *******, you said your dog doesn’t bite.”

2nd guy says……. “That’s not my dog.”

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe? '

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behindher, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty! ' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ' Who is our Lord and Savior? '

But Susie didn ' t stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!! ' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ' Very good, ' and Susie fell backasleep..

The Nun asked her a third question... ' What did Eve say to Adam aftershe had her twenty-third child? '

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up andshouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I ' ll break it in

half! '

The nun fainted !