Jokes

The Cowboy and the Congressman



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

The Difference Between Potential and Reality



One day, Little Johnny came home from school and asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality?" His father thought for just a moment and replied, "Son, go ask your mother, sister, and brother if they would sleep with Johnny Depp for $1 million dollars."
Little Johnny asks his mother, "Mom, would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million bucks?" "Well son, the economy is down right now and we could really use the extra cash... Yeah, I guess I would, for the money."
Little Johnny asks his sister, "Sis, would you sleep with Johnny Depp for $1 million bucks?" "Hell yeah I would!"
Little Johnny then asks his brother, "Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million bucks?" "Well, uh, that's a lot of money, but I guess if no one knew, I guess I would, yes."
Little Johnny goes back to his father, and his father asks "Well son, what did you learn?" Little Johnny replied "Well Dad, potentially, were sitting on $3 million bucks, but in reality, were living with two whores and a queer.

The Operation



"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "chit! THAT'S the word!"

So this guy goes to his shrink and says "Doc no one will listen to me". The Doctor says "NEXT"

The doctor says "you are in very good health, is there anything else you care to discuss with me?" to which Jim says "yes sir I would like to get a vasectomy." to which the doc said " that is a very big deal and I feel you should discuss this with the other members of your family." to which Jim replies " Already did and they already agreed to it with a vote of 15 to 2."

lol

Poor Guy



A man escaped from prison where he had been for 15 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns and found a young couple in bed.
He ordered the guy out of bed and tied him to a chair. He then tied the girl to the bed got on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any sex lubricant. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Ashes to Ashes!



One day, while fishing under the I-94 bridge in East Central

Minnesota, Gustov made a confession.



"Ve all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told

ya dis before cause I didn't Vanna ruin our friendship, but I'm ***."



Ole looked over at Sven and said, "We kinda figured dat out a vhile

back, but vasn't gonna say nutting cause ve din't vanna embarrass you".



Gustov thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason

I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got AIDS and I got only six munts to liv.

You are da only family I got and I vant ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem

barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets. I vanna be cremated.

Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis river vhere

ve've spent so much time together." Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears,

then agreed to do what their friend as asked.



By Golly, six munts later Gustov up and died. They were standin' on

the bridge with the ashes. Ole was about to trow them out when Sven stop

him: Vait, you gotta say sumting," he says.



"I don't know vhat to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole

admitted.



Sven, he scratch his head, "Just say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme."



Ole, he tought about it a while and started trowing the ashes out over

the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked vomen, You'd

be here wit us."

Bad Day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a c...omplete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"... she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ...ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

Facts of Life...



#...Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself..
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're phucked.

#...Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got phucked to achieve it.

#...What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the phuck! and What a phuck!

#...3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

#...Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

#...Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......

According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"
>
> I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."
>
> Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"
>
> Very simple.
>
> My wife has told me that when she wants my ****ing advice, she'll ask me for it.

Very good!

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama ...



Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he
visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy.'

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a
tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills
him, that would be a
tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great
loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama
Searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama
was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your ass it wouldn't be an
accident either!"

The teacher fainted!

:roflmao::roflmao:

I had heard that they are hauling train loads and train loads of coal to Mt. Rushmore in South Dakota. It turns out that they are going to put Obama's face next to the rest....

Sniffer

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and chit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'