Jokes

What is black and tan and would look fabulous on Michael Vick?

A pack of Dobermans.




One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide
who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and o ver he dove in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could to was break rocks all day, "commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it OJ saw Bill Clinton
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in
shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, man, I can handle
this."

The devil smiled and said....
. .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go

OH! uke:

I thought that was hilarious! :roflmao: I was worried it was going to be a pro OJ joke. That was the best one yet, although I really liked the stupid pirate joke too.

I liked the vick one better oh well



One day God called the Pope, and he said

"John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".

The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked

"What's the bad news?". .



God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.

:roflmao:

I'm easily amused.

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female."

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?

Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

After a major dog fight in the skies over the pacific, the smoke clears and 3 men find themselves standed on a very small remote island. The 3 men were an American, an Englishman, and a Japanese man. The American decided to take charge. If we are going to survive he said, we need to put our differences aside and work together. I'll work on building us a shelter. He looked at the Englishman, you work on bulding a signal fire. He then looks at the Japanese man, your people are known for being resourceful you can work on supplies. The day goes by and it's getting dark. The American finished the shelter and the Englishman finished the signal fire but there was no sign of the Japanese man. The 2 men decide to look for him in case something happened. As the are walking through the jungle, the Japanese man suddenly jumps from a tree buck-naked with peacock feathers strapped to his butt and yells......SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!!

A little old lady is starved for companionship, so she buys a couple of monkeys. The years go by and she becomes very attached to them.

As happens, both monkeys die one day. Not wanting to part with them, she takes the dead monkeys to a taxidermist. The taxidermist asked her, “Would you like them mounted?”

The old woman replied, “No, just holding hands



A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really does not bother me too much. They never smell and they are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting, because they don’t smell and they are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you the hell you gave me, but now my farts, though still silent, really stink terribly!"
The doctor replies "Good!!" Now that we have cleared up you sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…"

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said.. "Your finger is broken."

Butt measurement.....

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to
Where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."