Jokes

'Wish there were the people today that could produce show like that.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish!?!?" "Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home." "What a line of baloney....you're under arrest." The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!" "WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!" The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?" "Well, WHUT?" said the redneck. The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees

Lie Detector:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: "Where were you last night?"
Son says: "I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son...
SON says "OK, I was at a friend’s house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
SON says: "Watching a movie. Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son...
"OK it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was..."
The robot slaps the father...
The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother...

My sensuous wife..........

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.


Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.


Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

English Lesson


Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?

Do you know that the words race car spelled backwards
still spells race car?

And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter
and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells:
Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving,
raggedy-ass bastards with you.

How weird is that?

A refuse collector in Cairns Australia is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.



He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.



There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again, a bit harder and then harder still.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again..

"No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiretI toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen" says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Do you have one for President Obama?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

A Male Fairy Tail...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, No!!! And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freaking cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End. Have a GREAT DAY.

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin’ candle.'

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of
50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."




...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!

Thanks for sharing!
melodyhome

While hiking down along the border this morning,
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River .
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because
of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Arizonian and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Lol...

Dead Horse



Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

The Back Pew

> A Pastor's Wife Was Expecting A Baby, So He Stood Before The

> Congregation And Asked For A Raise. After Much Discussion, They

> Passed A Rule That Whenever The Pastor's Family Expanded; So Would

> His Paycheck.

> After 6 Children, This Started To Get Expensive And The

> Congregation Decided To Hold Another Meeting To Discuss The

> Pastor's Expanding Salary.

> A Great Deal Of Yelling And Bickering Ensued, As To How Much The

> Pastor's Additional Children Were Costing The Church, And How Much

> More It Could Potentially Cost.

> After Listening To Them For About An Hour, The Pastor Rose From

> His Chair And Spoke, "Children Are A Gift From God, And We Will

> Take As Many Gifts As He Gives Us."

> Silence Fell Over The Congregation.

> In The Back Pew, A Little Old Lady Struggled To Stand, And Finally

> Said In Her Frail Voice, "Rain Is Also A Gift From God, But When

> We Get Too Much Of It, We Wear Rubbers."

> The Congregation Said, "Amen."