Jokes

Subject: ADOPT A TERRORIST

A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens’ personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE...

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left after you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge-sicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is…."Embalming.

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape > > > > > >

Tough $hit Amigo

Tough $hit Amigo
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my Country. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball Cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed. "Where is my new house?"
THIS IS GOOD .
NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD


The fairy said: "Tough $hit, amigo, now that you are a white American,
You have to fend for yourself."

What do you want to be when you grow up

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

AMA Insight, no matter which side you are on.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception; Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists saw the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole thing was a gas, and the lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the azzholes in Washington

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone."

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

How we got the ten commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There. That, should piss off just about everybody..

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,

"Guido, I wan' you lissin a me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say, 'times up'"?

LOOKING FOR WORK

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA, about5years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work.

Three Bikers

Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound. The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager", he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”

The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

LOL...Yup...

One of these days



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A man walks into a crowded bar waving in the air a colt 1911 .45 with a full 8 round clip he yells "who's been screwing my wife?" A voice in the back yells out "you need more ammo!"


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Ouch...LOL...

The Last Kiss.

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74
when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers,
past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to
miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ...
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing
and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval
from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!
That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

Ouch...