Jokes

a Duel

Hmmmm. Anyone we know?


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US Army '75-'81

I read today that there are certain sexual positions that cause ugly baby's. Really. Go ask your mom

So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa ?"

He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office.”

So Fox News has caved in to Oboomas complaint that fox doesn't air enough minorities. Fox has announced that from now on they will air twice a week Americas Most Wanted


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A little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

LOL...Good one...

Guy on a buffalo:

Pretty good...

SPELLING LESSON

The last four letters in American .......... I Can
The last four letters in Republican ....... I Can
The last four letters in Democrats ....... Rats

End of lessons!

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Judy married again, and this time, she and John had 5 children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord,
they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret, "Do
you think he means her first, second, or third husband Margaret?"
Margaret replied, I think he means her legs, Ethel!"

A Canadian farmer, an Islamic terrorist and a Navy Chief walk out of a restaurant one morning just as a scrap truck drives by. A lamp falls off the truck and lands at their feet, out pops a genie. The genie says "I can only grant three wishes. So I will give you each one wish."

The Canadian farmer said "I am a farmer, my son will be a farmer. So make my land fertile forever." With a blink the genie said "It is done."

Then the terrorist jumps in and says "I want a wall around all the Muslim countries to keep all infidels, Christians, Americans, Canadians and all that do not praise the Muslim way out." With a blink the genie says "It is done."

The navy chief says "Before I make my wish tell me more about this wall."

The genie says "It is 10,000 feet tall, 1000 feet thick, no way in, no way out and impenetrable."

The chief sits back on his Harley takes a drink of his coffee, lights a cigar, laughs and says "Fill it with water."

Go Navy Chiefs

Anger Management Does Work
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello..'
I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it.
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot.
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax , to kill
my *** lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work!

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”;

oooooooooooooooooooow!

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school inKansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and theyVOTE and have babies.
For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!