Jokes

I can really identify with the 4th one...Damn kids do not know how to make change...Try to make life easier and they get confused...As Ron White says "You can't fix stupid".

The internet has changed the way most people think...not me though.



Thats funny as heck right there, I don't care where you're from.

I thought it was a scotish duck hunter saying "Duck be in the air tonight!" meaning it's time to shoot some ducks! umm, NOT!

Good then you haven't been soiled by too much WWW.

Sounds like a great idea...

Little Johnnie’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,’What a beautiful baby.’The mother said, ‘Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, ‘He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?

‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.’

‘That’s great’, said Little Johnnie,’coz he’d really be phucked if he needed glasses.

In a college level advanced Biology exam, the last question was, 'Name eight (8) advantages of Mother's Milk'.
This final question was worth 70 points or zero, none at all.

One male student, in particular, was hard put to think of eight advantages.
However, after some serious contemplation, he wrote this answer:

1) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. ...and then, the student was dumb struck for two more answers.
In desperation, and just before the bell rang indicating the end of the exam, he wrote:

7) It comes in two quite attractive containers, and
8) it's high enough off the floor where the cat can't get to it.

He got an A+

In a college level advanced Biology exam, the last question was, 'Name eight (8) advantages of Mother's Milk'.
This final question was worth 70 points or zero, none at all.

One male student, in particular, was hard put to think of eight advantages.
However, after some serious contemplation, he wrote this answer:

1) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. ...and then, the student was dumb struck for two more answers.
In desperation, and just before the bell rang indicating the end of the exam, he wrote:
7) It comes in two quite attractive containers, and
8) it's high enough off the floor where the cat can't get to it.

He got an A+

http://adsoftheworld.com/media/tv/four_seasons_condoms_getnaked


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LOL...

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe
you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

Huh?


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Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe
you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...
But she was dating someone else . One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said ,
I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you ... The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Michael said, I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to pick it up and
I'll finish by the time You stand back up .'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and
explained the situation . Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast . He won't even be able to get his pants down .'

She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minute's the boyfriend calls and asks,
'What happened ...? ' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply ,
'The bastard had all quarters !'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it
and getting screwed

Twelve Scottish Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row, all proudly wearing their kilts, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Joseph. Poor Joseph. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Joseph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.

Haha whoops. I better stop laughing I don't want to go to hell with you.


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