Jokes

Sorry, I don't get it. I don't drink that piss er beer.


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Yep, it's him.


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A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

My cousin was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas ...
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper ...
Trooper walks up to the door ...
Jeramy ... Can I help you officer ?
Trooper .. was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held at ....

Aaarrrrrggggghhhhh!


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The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: Excuse me, I need to pee.

The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

LOL! Keep smiling!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He politely asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, rig

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

A blonde calls her neighbour and says “please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh

…………

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

And now we know:



So true !

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said,
"Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied:

"I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said,

"Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this day.


And now we know ...

So true !

LOL...They have sheep over there too...

I may have posted this before...Don't remember...I'm old...Loosing my phucking mind...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
Father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You
Bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
Bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd
Settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've
Brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been
Studying your Bible, but I'm pissed off that you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about
That, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
Evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going To love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all phucking walked everywhere they went?!!"