Jokes

A guy traveling through Mexico
on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.

Have safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

LOL...

No offense to my Italian friends...

http://safeshare.tv/v/ss564899c87c19e

He's got my vote! Ha!

Only two million... Lol

Sent from my Z959 using Tapatalk

I'm good with two million.....and I know who I want to be 1, 999,999!

Really, though, I'm not certain who is 1, 999,999 - but it is worth a guess!

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said goats."

LOL!!!!!

A Blind man is at the bus stop and along comes a large family. Mother, Father, and 7 young children. As they're waiting for the bus, it starts to rain, just making the wait worse.

When the bus arrives, being polite, the men let the mother and children get on first, at which point the bus driver says: "Sorry guys. The bus is full. You'll have to wait for the next one.", and drives off.

So the two men start walking, the blind man tapping his cane along the sidewalk as they make their way to their destination... tap, tap, tap, tap....

The Father, already peeved due to being soaked and having to walk, gets more and more annoyed with the tap, tap, tap, tap of the blind man's cane, so he finally blurts out: "Oh Man! That sound is so annoying! Can't you put something rubber on the tip so it doesn't make that god-awful racket!?!?!"

To which, the blind man replies: "If you'd put something rubber on your tip, we wouldn't be in this mess."

Reaching the end of a job interview, a Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Rich man, Poor man:

After Mother's Day, two long time friends, one rich and one poor, were catching up.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Mother's Day.

The rich man replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a BMW. The poor man asks, "Why would you get her both?" The rich man says, "So, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive it back to the jeweler with her new car."

The rich man then asks the poor man what he got his wife for Mother's Day. The poor man replies, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man asks, "Why would you get her both of those?"

The poor man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f**k herself."

The Indian that never forgets:

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian.

He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"

Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.

10 years later, the same man is on vacation again and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.

When the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"
The Indian replies, "Scrambled."

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, until a moment that he ate a pool ball.

The bartender said to the monkey's owner: did you see what your monkey did? He ate a pool ball.

The guy said: I'm sorry, the monkey is a troublemaker. I'll pay for it, don't worry.
So, he pays the bill and the ball and goes away.

Another day, he comes back with his monkey again. The monkey, as done before, started jumping through the whole bar until a moment that he stopped near an olive plate. He picked one olive, shove it at his ass, took it back and ate it.

The bartender said: hey, did you see what your monkey did? He put an olive in the ass then ate it.

The guy said: well, after that pool ball, he learned to measure everything before eating.