Jokes

Actually chucktx, after a nice day ride today and the following micro brew after getting home, I went right to the audible answer.


Ok, I lied, I did have the micro brew, but did not go right to the answer.
Fine, I am shutting down now, I hope your happy.

Bit of a long story, but a great truth is revealed at the end and I have been married long enough to know this is the absolute truth.


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot ponder ed the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?










Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down










The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Nice one Slim Jim. I'm not married but have lived the mythical tale more than once.....
It's all in good fun.

That was easy! Hence my not being married for almost 20 years.

Chuck!:roflmao: Good thing I have other things I need to do, so shutting down the computer will help.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not
understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership
to the country club...." (takes a breath) "...and an invitation for ye all
to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, sniff, sniff "....a prostitute dad!" Sniff, sniff....

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!

Funny

A man walks into a bar orders a drink and takes a briefcase opens it and takes out a small piano and a small man sets it up and the man starts playing the piano beautifully all the great composers, as well as current songs.
Another patron at the bar was astounded thats great what a money maker where did you get that. The first man handed him a small lamp pulled from his brief case he rubbed it and out came a genie I will grant you one wish says the genie,The man happily asks for a million bucks. The genie rubs his hands and BOOM all of a sudden the room the street all around is full of ducks , white black mallard all kinds of ducks quacking and quacking The second man asks the first whats up with the genie is he hard of hearing or what? The first man just looks at him and says You really dont think I asked for a 10 inch
pianist did you!
:devil:

:roflmao:

I've heard that in New Hampshire too.

Nevada

Let's RIDE!

The man tells his doctor that his wife has not had sex with him for the
past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he
can talk to her.


When the wife comes to the office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't
want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab
to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than
bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay
today or what?'
I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so
the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?'
That's another 'or what.'
On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the
cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?'
And, again, I do an 'or what'.
So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want
sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell
your husband or what?"

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in
Bozeman, Montana while awaiting
their respective flights .


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
Cowboy on his way to Billings for a
livestock show & the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University
from the Middle East


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls
into an uneasy lull.


The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots
on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his
face.


The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the
old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.






Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, and now we are
many. Why do you suppose that is?"


The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl


That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and
Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

blind man

:roflmao: a blind man with a dog walks into a bar>he then spins the dog around in the air >when the bar tender asks him whats he doing ?>blind man says just looking around:roflmao: ::roflmao:

>> An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
>> purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
>> talking to the President of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
>> money.
>>
>> After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
>> right) an employee took the elderly woman to the President's office.
>>
>> The President of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
>> She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The President
>> was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
>> The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
>>
>> The President was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
>>
>> The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
>> testicles are square."
>>
>> The President started to laugh and told the woman that it was
>> impossible to win a bet like that.
>>
>>
>> The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the President and
>> said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
>>
>> "Certainly", replied the President. "I bet you $25,000 that my
>> testicles are not square."
>>
>> " Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
>> involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
>> tomorrow morning with my Lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the
>> President of the Bank confidently.
>>
>> That night, the President became very nervous about the bet and
>> spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning
>> them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
>> positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
>> reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
>>
>> The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
>> the President's office with her Lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
>> made the day before that the President's testicles were square .
>>
>> The President confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
>> the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc.
>> so that she and her Lawyer could see clearly.
>>
>> The President was happy to oblige.
>>
>> The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
>> President if she could touch them. "Of course", said the President.
>> "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
>>
>> The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
>>
>>
>>
>> Suddenly the President noticed that the Lawyer was banging his head
>> against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and
>> she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10
>> o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of
>> the Bank of Canada !"
>>