Jokes

:d :d

The Art of Waxing for the ladys

The Art of Waxing...
>
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
> in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit

> out of the medicine cabinet."
>
> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
> those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the

> strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
> and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off.
>
> No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
> am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I

> pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> stuck togeth er. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
> so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
> yeah...right!)
>
> I
> lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull.
> It works!
>
> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!
>
> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward
> body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip
> I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the
bathroom,
> for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and
place
> one foot on the toilet.
>
> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side of
> my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching
down
> to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
>
> I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MYGAWD !!!!!!!!!
>
> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the
> strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
> spinning and
> spotted.
>
> I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I
> hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me
> so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the
> glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
>
> There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the
> hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
>
> I touch. I am touching wax.
>
> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now
> covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
> mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
I need
> to do something. So I put my foot down.
>
> Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
>
> I penguin
> walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
> think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head
may pop
> off!" What can I do to melt the wax?
>
> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water. I can
stand
> into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should
> melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
>
> *WRONG!!!!!!!*
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
> prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
>
> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together,
> is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub...in
> scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had ceme nted
myself
> to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago
> to have a phone put in the
> bathroom!!!!!
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret
> of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So,
my
> butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
>
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal
> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly
> where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

>
> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown
> and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>
> YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we
> go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax
off
> with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
> covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and
> then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
>
> By now the brain is
> not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
> pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this
> event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
>
> What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ....
OH MY
> GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
out of
> my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!
It
> works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I
> successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief
> and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
>
> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I
> could have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color......

>> A recent study found the average Texan walks about 900 miles a
year.
>>>
>>> Another study found Texans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer
>>> per year.
>>>
>>> That means, on average, a Texan gets about 41 miles to the
gallon.
>>>
>>> Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Texan.

funny!!!!:roflmao:

Lucky Frog

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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas"

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Caution - Home Depot scam!!!

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A “heads up” for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you. Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe’s. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and 1 performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend after I go buy more wallets. So be careful!

just trying to help the masses!!!!!!!!

Two whales, a male and a female, sperm whales, I believe, were out swimming in the north Atlantic one fine day. By and by, they spot a ship. A whaling ship to be exact. In fact, the male whale opined, that's the dreaded ship that harpooned my old man. He looked at the female whale and said...Lets swim under the ship and we'll both blow from our blowholes as hard as we can. Maybe we can capsize the ship. ... The female agrees and they swim under the ship and blow as hard as they can.

It works like a charm, the ship capsizes and sinks rather rapidly. The male whale looks around quite happily, then realizes that some of the sailers survived and are swimming toward shore. He calls to the female...come on! we can catch them and gobble them up...

He starts swimming toward the sailors then realizes that the female didn't swim with him.
He turns and asks...What's wrong? Come on!...

She looks at him and says...I went along with the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Bob.' But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:





















Bob............................ You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.