Jokes

:roflmao: Dang you Chuck that Vet joke about caused me to choke on my biscuit. My poor keyboard may never be the same LOL

A very attractive woman goes into a bar and orders 17 shots of tequila. The bartender sets them up and she drinks every one of them straight in a row. A few minutes later she passes out smooth stone cold. One of the patrons says " Look here boys, she's out cold, why don't we all take a turn with her and she'll never know." So everyone in there has their way with this hot bombshell. The next day the same gorgeous woman comes back to the same bar. Bartender says " Would you like 17 more shots of tequila again ma'am?" She says "No thanks, they make my ***** hurt."

LOL I am going to use that on a couple jerks at work. No need for the nutless wonders to be there as early as they are LMAO.

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Rocking Chair Nookie

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

Blonde Joke

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

the blonde yelled back,"NO IT'S A SCARF!"

Marital Bliss

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after.:roflmao:

hahahahaha....oh wait, that ain't funny!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

While were on that subject you know scientist have found a new breed of lesbian dinosaur called A lickalotapus :roflmao:
No one is Safe here:roflmao:

A Texan is walking through a field, sees a Mexican drinking water from a stock tank with one of his hands.

The Texan shouts to the Mexican,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that water,,,, It has cow **** in it!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mexican shouts back "Soy Mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme Español.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. Speak Spanish to me)

The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más para beber."
(Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.

Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far
out into Galveston Bay as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back !"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there."

Two guys from Phoenix die and wake up in hell. The next day
the devil stops in
to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens
and bomber hats,
warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "What
are you doing? Isn't
it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Phoenix, and
in the summer, it
gets real hot there. We're just a little bit chilly, you
know." The devil
decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat. The next
morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed
in parkas, hats and mittens.

The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't
you guys feel that?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday,
we're from Phoenix
where it gets real hot in the summer. We're still just a
little bit chilly, you
know." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he
decides to fix the two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The
people are wailing and
screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys
from Phoenix and
finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and
drinking beer. The
devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject
misery, and you two seem
to be enjoying yourself.
The two Phoenicians reply, "Well, ya know, we've just got to
have a cookout when
the weather's this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up
with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they've
been in Phoenix all
their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat OFF in
hell. The next
morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and
people are shivering so badly that they're unable to wail,
moan and gnash their
teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two
Phoenicians. He
finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens.
They're jumping up
and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The
devil is
dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's
freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with
you two? The
Phoenicians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you
know, if hell is
frozen over, that MUST mean the Cardinals have won the Super
Bowl

HAHAHAHA, now THAT'S funny right there!

Cop Stops A Biker

Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name."Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When ;I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical, school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD." "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."

"Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tear s, laughing.

Subject - - An Affair Uncovered

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Chicago Bear Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."